Starring Lindsay Lohan, Glenne Headly. Written by Gail Parent. Directed by Sara Sugarman. (G) 89 min. Opens Feb 20.
An adaptation of the kids potboiler by Dyan Sheldon, Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen
follows the adventures of hi-skooler Lola Cep (Freaky Friday's Lindsay
Lohan), a bratty aspirant luvvie with dreams of becoming the next
Audrey Hepburn -- although Pia Zadora would be more realistic.
The story begins after Lola's parents' divorce, as her family
relocates from rich, white Upper East Side Manhattan to the suburban
hell of rich, white Dellwood, New Jersey. Despite Lola's misgivings
about moving so far from Broadway and 42nd, she quickly settles
herself, making friends with an obligatory ugly sidekick, Ella (Alison
Pill), and making enemies with an obligatory high school bitch queen,
Carla (Megan Fox).
Well, so far, so Disney: there's plenty of bright colours and pop
songs to entertain the kids, and enough montages of Lohan and Pill in
busty t-shirts keep the dads from snoozing. Still, even the most
Ritalin-drugged of youngsters should experience an odd cognitive
dissonance here. We're meant to cheer Lola on, the eternal underdog in
a strange and brutal new world -- high school -- but she's clearly as
much of an insufferable, privileged ass as Carla, her
rival-in-drama-queenosity.
Lola enjoys a lifestyle the average Seventeen reader can only
wet-dream of: a wealthy hippy mom (Glenne Headly), a boyband-esque
boyfriend with a vintage sports car (Eli Marienthal), and a
Narnia-sized wardrobe of trendy electroclash gear. Within the first 20
minutes, she's even landed the leading part in her high school
production of Pygmalion (modernized in bafflingly non-ironic fashion as
a hip-hop musical, Eliza Rocks).
It's like watching a re-cut version of Election, where Reese
Witherspoon is the hero. If this were a 1980s movie, it would finish
with Pill pushing Lola into a swimming pool, or driving her into a
truck of manure -- a happy ending for everyone concerned. Instead,
those indiginities are heaped upon Carla, who ends up getting dunked in
fountain for daring to be only slightly more irritating than the lead
character.
Business isn't helped by a wooden leading performance from Lohan,
who, when the lighting is good, resembles Frankie Muniz in a blonde
wig. As was the case with Freaky Friday, she's out-maneuvered at every
moment by her co-star -- not Jamie Lee Curtis this time, but Pill as
the gawky Ella, dominating the proceedings throughout despite her
put-upon second-banana status.