Starring
Alexa Vega, Mika Boorem Written by Elisa Bell. Directed by Joe
Nussbaum. (PG) 91 min. Opens July 9.
Near the end of this slumber-party-gone-stupid tween comedy, there's
a scene in which the four girlfriends are in peril as the treehouse
they're in comes crashing to the ground. It was all I could do
to keep from screaming, "Die, little bitches, die!" A
family movie should not do that to a person. But when the alleged
heroine of your film (Spy Kids' Alexa Vega) is actually a worse
hag than her feathered blonde nemesis; when the girls'
all-night scavenger hunt includes both a date arranged through a
"police-approved" singles website (lest the film be
accused of helping teens hook up with perverts) and Vega in a wet,
tight dress watching her hunky crush disrobe (lest the perverts who
come to see this film leave disappointed); when every scene comes
with its own theme song and product placement; and when even The
Daily Show's Steve Carrell appears and isn't the least
bit funny, the kid gloves come off. Sleepover is skull-crushingly
bad. If your little sister or daughter or niece asks you to take her
to it, enroll her immediately in a military school in Alaska. It
would be a kindness.
When we meet the heroine-hag Julie, she and her girlfriends have just
graduated from junior high and are planning a sleepover at Julie's
house that night. Toenail polishing and dancing around to The Spice
Girls (I kid you not) ensue. Suddenly the feathered blonde (Sara
Paxton) crashes their party and challenges them to a scavenger hunt,
the winner of which gets to sit in the prime lunch-eating spot in
high school. Why the popular chick would give up a spot she's
already assured is beside the point. Off the girls go — to the
mall, to a nightclub where they spy Julie's mom (Best in Show's
Jane Lynch, currently cashing her paycheque in hell), to the home of
Julie's crush, and finally to the high school dance, where
Julie sees her fat friend dancing with a fat guy and sighs, "I
guess there's someone for everybody … except me."
Where the hell is Carrie when you need her?