Guides
In defence of dry humping
BY Melinda Mattos February 06, 2008 15:02
Dry hump v. 1. To simulate intercourse by rubbing up against a partner while fully clothed.
2. The hottest action you’ll get without peeling off your skinny jeans.
A mainstay of teenage courtship, dry humping is commonly practiced in parents’ basements, the back seats of cars and dark movie theatres worldwide. But if you think dry humping is the exclusive domain of frustrated, horny virgins, think again. It’s also a low-risk, high-thrills way to get to know a new partner before your clothes come off, or to rekindle the spark when you’ve already seen each other naked 3,493 times. Need convincing? We polled EYE WEEKLY staff and friends for the top 10 reasons dry humping is hot.
1. It’s the safest sex you can have aside from taking matters into your own hands, without the awkwardness of fumbling with a condom or dental dam.
2. Size really doesn’t matter.
3. You won’t have to explain that tattoo on your ass that says “Grandma.”
4. It proves that old Jermaine Stewart song “We Don’t Have to Take Our Clothes Off [to have a good time]” wasn’t just puritanical bullshit.
5. For the ladies: it doesn’t matter if you’re on your period and wearing granny panties, plus you don’t need to fake an orgasm — no one’s expecting one.
6. For the gents: it’s like doing it with a blow-up doll, minus the shame!
7. You won’t have to wash your sheets afterwards — or sleep in a wet spot.
8. It’ll make you feel 16 again. If the dry humping itself doesn’t do the trick, try sneaking into a high school dance with your date and waiting for the chaperones to peel you apart.
9. If sex before a committed relationship is a test drive, dry humping is like perusing a car mag — you get an idea how the motor runs, how roomy it is and how fast it can go without risking a potential crash. And by crash, we mean VD. Or a zygote.
10. There’s nothing sexier than the desperate friction of a pair of denim-clad crotches and the imaginings of what might happen if these layers of fabric disappeared. And, let’s face it, what we conjure in our best moments of depraved abstraction is rarely fulfilled by our partners — temporary or permanent.
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