SCORPIO (OCT 23-NOV 21)
Scorpio is entering a new, twinkling movement in her creative life this week. For those with late Scorpio birthdays, this artistic growth spurt will coincide nicely with the complete dissolution of your faith in fire-retardant tablecloths.

Famous Canadian Scorpios born this week:
Frederick Banting (discovered insulin, Nov. 14)
Lorne Michaels  (SNL producer, Nov. 17)
Gordon Lightfoot (musician, Nov. 17)
Margaret Atwood (author, Nov. 18, pictured)

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
What you see as lighthearted optimism comes across to others this week as a series of frustrating mixed messages designed purely to drive them emotionally further away from you so that no one can ever hurt you.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Capricorn’s new-found sense of balance has fuelled a veritable rampage of confidence and virility, which stampedes across the harsh winter terrain like so many thirsty, confused, emotionally volatile caribou.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Though Aquarius was fairly certain her life had slid into an abyss of misfortune from which there could be no return, she pleasantly learns this weekend that the abyss of failure has a slight silver lining, in the form of the delicious butter tart she will eat before that slip-and-fall accident.

Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)
Though Pisces tends to see herself as more of a reclusive non-starter than an independent go-getter, she’ll find herself looking and feeling more on the ball this week after listening to
seven straight hours of self-help podcasts while coming down from E.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Aries is coming into his own this fall, and will experience several moments of epiphany in the coming weeks that will guide him through some of the most interesting adventures of his life. About 40 per cent of those epiphanies will be completely baseless and destructive to humanity.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Taurus’ strength and groundedness may give off the impression of being somewhat removed and distant. That reputation will dissolve completely this week when a burst of earthy, passionate energy causes you to attempt making naked snow angels when there is no legitimate snow on the ground.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You receive just the validation you’ve been looking for on Friday, when someone you’ve hand-picked to acquiesce to your every whim suggests that your tendency toward storming out of restaurants, hanging up on people and blocking them on online services is actually contributing to your sexy mystique.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Cancer’s bullshit detectors have been going off at record decibel levels lately. If only she realized she was setting them off herself! By Monday morning, even the stubbornest Cancer won’t be able to deny the source.
 
Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
Once again Leo proves successful at the medium-length con, when strangers from out of town visit this weekend and believe for at least two hours that that’s your real apartment.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Possibilities are opening wide for Virgo this week, like the doors to an enormous freight elevator headed straight for lofts full of partying douchebags. Remember, your destiny is your own, even if it’s still wearing a huge white leather belt in November ’08.

Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Wishy-washy Libra is not particularly accustomed to being listened to, but once your mother realizes you’re the only member of her family still speaking to her at all, you’ll make great strides this week in breaking her of that online poker addiction.