Your advice to my girlfriend and me (signed A Little Sexual Frustration, Feb. 14, 2008) was dead-on and we’re back for more. After taking charge of her sexuality, she switched to a birth control pill that has revived her sex drive. There’s a definite increase, which has led to another discovery: she has unresolved sexual trauma from past abuse.
She often experiences pain and tightness in her vagina, both with fingering and sex (though not when she masturbates), and we’ve ruled out medical causes. It is something we’re trying to work on together but are looking for good starting points. She’s considering therapy in the future but isn’t there yet.
In the meantime, can you recommend any books for us as a couple? We’d really like to work on this together but realize that, at times, privacy might be essential. Are there any exercises she can do alone, or that we can do together, that might help reduce her tension and anxiety with vaginal intercourse? We’ve put off intercourse for the time being while we get this all sorted out, but are still keeping intimate and so frustration isn’t much of a concern.
A LITTLE SEXUAL FRUSTRATION PART TWO
Staci Haines is a sexual abuse survivor and author known for her sex-positive approach to healing — meaning, for example, she encourages exploration of even tricky expression like power play. Her book Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Surviving Sexual Trauma, which was first released as The Survivor’s Guide to Sex, is a notable resource for women who have suffered sexual trauma and want to move past it to enjoy more empowered, present intimacy. Read an amazing interview with Haines by Violet Blue here.
In addition, I would recommend Haines’ film Healing Sex: The Complete Guide to Sexual Wholeness, which you can either get online or locally at Come As You Are or Good For Her. Haines’ book is also available at these two shops.
You’ve ruled out medical issues but if you haven’t already, you may want to read up about vaginismus at www.vaginismus.com or www.vaginismus-awareness-network.org. As a warning, women in vaginismus networks tend on occasion to be a bit cynical; despite the appalling stereotypes heaped on sufferers (that it’s all in their heads and that they’re deliberately frigid and unwilling) there is a propensity for they themselves to put men into one of two categories: the asshole who forces sex on you and betrays you with porn and hookers because he believes you’re maliciously keeping sex from him, or the saint who stands by you through every ordeal. Vaginismus is absolutely shit to go through so try to forgive them the raw venting; just be aware that experience has left some sufferers unable to take a dispassionate view on certain alternative sexual expressions.
Quit your moonlighting
I’ve known my best friend for years and have seen him through a couple of sexual relationships with women, which I believe were genuine. We are also close friends with his roommate, who is openly gay. My best friend tried to experiment with him once while intoxicated but then backed out. While using his computer I typed in the heading bar, and a bunch of gay porn sites came up, and so did an email with a very gay moniker. My gay friend has also caught him surfing his private porn cache, and confronted him on it. When confronted, my best friend said he was “bored.” We have reason to believe he has been also meeting up with men he meets on these sites, but can’t really prove it, because he makes up unbelievable lies about going for “jogs” after nights of heavy drinking.
We are very queer-friendly people, and my best friend is surrounded by frank discussion about our sex lives. It crushes me to think that he has this secret life that he can’t be honest about. I feel like I’m living with this huge secret too. I want my friend to feel supported and unashamed of whatever he is into. I want him to know that I will love him no matter what, and that I am not interested in labelling him as straight or gay. I consider myself bisexual anyway. Can I confront him on this? What resources can I find? WORRIED
Audra Petrulis, the counselling co-ordinator at the 519 has this to say: “From a counselling point of view, I would ask what’s going on with her that she feels that her friend is potentially keeping something from her. What does that mean for her? Are there other trust issues going on? Is it bringing up something from her past? Coming out is a process and if the man is gay, it’s individual for each person. If he’s not ready to come out to her, that’s something that he’s struggling with internally but I’d want to reiterate to her that it’s not that he doesn’t appreciate her as a friend; it’s something he’s going through on his own.”
As for confronting your friend, “that seems aggressive to me,” says Petrulis. “I would suggest against that. Direct is one thing, confrontation is another. It’s like, ‘You’re holding something back from me, friend, and I want to know what it is.’”
Petrulis says it’s probably best for you to share your frustration with a counsellor (and given the details of your situation, it looks like you could access one free at the 519) but in dealing with your friend, expressing simple support, letting him know that you’re still there regardless of whether he confides or not, is the more appropriate route.
You may feel hurt by being left out of his process of sexual self-discovery (and it’s OK to feel that) but you’ve got to check your expectations because it does seem like one of your major concerns is that, by not confiding in you, he is above all critiquing your discretion, queer-friendliness and long-standing connection. Honestly, though, what kind of hospitable atmosphere are you and the gay roomie really creating with the relentless gumshoeing? Confrontations, reasons to believe, monikers, secret porn stashes… come on, you’re his friends remember? Not the Remington Steele Agency.