And you thought it couldn’t get any worse than Scary Movie 4. The latest and lowest common denominator in the horror-spoofing canon, Stan Helsing (from the exec producer of… Scary Movie 4!) takes the premature prize for crappiest film of 2009. It’s been a long and arduous year at the multiplex, and it’s only October, but this is the bottom of the barrel, folks — it is offensively unwatchable.

Soul Plane co-writer Bo Zenga (hope that’s a pseudonym) makes his directorial debut with this monster mash-up about a slacker named Stan Helsing (Reba’s Steve Howey) who works at, ugh, Schlockbuster, where he receives a last-minute request to deliver some videos. With his best bud (SNL’s Kenan Thompson, slumming it in ways he probably never imagined), ex-girlfriend and a stripper-cum-erotic masseuse, Stan makes the long trek in an attempt to keep his job, reconnect with his former flame and hit up a hype Halloween house party.

Weird shit happens along the way and Stan — who we learn is a descendant of legendary vampire slayer Van Helsing — ultimately does combat with famed horror-movie monsters Freddy, Jason, Leatherface, Pinhead, Chucky and Michael Myers. Except that these icons aren’t quite themselves, but rather lazily constructed, impossibly juvenile deviations. (To wit: for legal and moronic purposes, Freddy dons a Flavor Flav clock around his neck, wears a Charlie Brown t-shirt and sports a mouthful of gold teeth. And that’s supposed to be a highpoint gag.)

Epically inept as both a comedy and genre send-up, the movie also boasts a hopelessly unfunny cameo from Leslie Nielsen in drag that is the best-worst moment you’ll encounter from beginning to bitter end. Reading this review just wasted two precious minutes of your life, a small tax considering what could’ve happened to those other 88.