After overhearing me squeal, laugh and gasp through watching The Hills and The After Show at my desk today, Eye Weekly intern Eleni Deacon said “I wish I could fall in love with something like you have.” I’m with After Show friend David; I was also “actually shocked” and am “still loving” this week’s episodes. And After Show friend Jen, you, you pulled some groundbreaking moves this week; you might be mine and Jessi’s new feminist hero! And because the signs were so blatant and many, I’m adding an extra category after Loved and Calling Bullshit On this week, called Signs That Kristin, Justin Bobby and Stacie Had A Threesome.
LOVED:
1. Somehow, I loved Jessi’s dress. Maybe it was just because I couldn’t quite understand it. It was such a bright hue of Barbie pink and had a sweetheart neckline, and I really can’t figure out how one might acquire such a thing without actually managing to enlarge a real Barbie dress.
2. And Dan, because I know you’re waiting with bated breath to hear if you earned my approval on your outfit this week, relax. The blazer was nice and the shirt looked cool. The only criticism I have is that it was all a little beige next to Strawberry Shortcake.
3. That Jessi might have been drunk this week! Between saying that they were “popping Stacie’s television cherry this week” and that they were “going to milk [the girl-on-girl kiss], just squeeze it all out” while actually making the milking hand motions, I was really starting to wonder. And then Dan called her Jessica, which completely sealed it for me.
4. That Jessi YouTubed post sex baby making because I was absolutely about to do the same thing, and she’s right, you don’t get anything except a Sarah Palin booty thing that I didn’t watch ’cause I can’t be bothered to sign up for a You Tube account.
5. That you can’t talk about Greek mythylogy on a 14+ show, but you can recommend Googling Sarah Palin’s booty.
6. Dan’s insight regarding perspective as it related to Justin Bobby getting invited to Vegas. JB owes J-Rock a solid.
7. Jen’s impassioned speech about how strippers are actually working and aren’t just there for one night of fun in Vegas like those rich Hills girls who don’t have to work, and that when women make a joke of strip clubs, they are exploiting other women. AMAZING! That you had the balls to tell an audience of Hills fans who were cheering for strip clubs that you judged them, and then tried to teach them something about morality and exploitation, on a show that judges another show that is about exploitation, on a network that is at this point basically based on female exploitation, was just about the most impressive thing I’ve ever seen on MTV. Please get in touch (clock@eyeweekly.com) so I can buy you a drink. And judging by Jessi’s sigh of relief and expression of pride when you were done, she might want to buy the second round.
8. The Who Is Charlie? montage. Seriously, we need to get to the bottom of this. Google gave me nothing, and The Hills’ IMDb cast and crew page that lists absolutely everyone, even Heidi’s dad and Brent Bolthouse, doesn’t have a single Charles or Charlie anywhere on it. This is making him even creepier than a single dude who YouTubes shit about getting pregnant.
9. This exchange:
Jessi: We’re popping your After Show cherry.
Stacie: Uh, what?
10. Stacie for saying that Heidi is “crazier than I expected” and “that baby would be a monster!”
CALLING BULLSHIT ON:
1. The fact that this was The Hills’ first girl-on-girl kiss. If that’s true, it’s more shocking than the kiss itself.
2. Alicia on webcam, who, at about 12 years old, seems to think that she knows that marriage is all about being forced into parenthood, and that Heidi’s only job is babysitting Enzo. Hot tip Alicia: Heidi earns US$100,000 per episode of The Hills, plus whatever she makes for club appearances, promoting ridiculous hair products and maybe a few extra dollars from her “music” “career.”
3. Oh god, that clip of Heidi talking about Goddess Angelina. Bitch please, watch that fight scene in Mr. & Mrs. Smith one more time; you’re the one who wouldn’t be seen again. Also, she’s Angelina to you, not “Angie.”
4. That pickup line Jessi mentioned, when someone said “You look like that girl from MTV, but she’s way hotter.” As I found out for myself, both Jessi and Dan are “exactly as tall, skinny and gorgeous in real life as they appear on TV.”
5. The total panic that set it in when Jessi said that one of JB’s friends is “already doing Audrina” was embarrassing. Guys, really, it’s okay to suggest that twenty-somethings are sexual beings.
6. When After Show friend Natalie was talking about how this whole Vegas trip was a desperate attempt to impress guys, she said Kristin is “on her last legs trying to impress Justin Bobby, so I guess she’s pulling all the strings out.” Ew, ew, ew, ew.
7. That you guys didn’t figure out or give us a hint about what that blank was that the stripper did to Kristin.
SIGNS THAT KRISTIN, JUSTIN BOBBY AND STACIE HAD A THREESOME:
1. Stacie is up for anything! She sounded thrilled at just the idea of posing for Playboy, and has already got some topless photos up at www.staciethebartender.com. Basically, she’s no prude.
2. Kristin was totally setting it up by having Stacie be on the bed beside her when JB came out of the shower.
3. Stacie was “impressed” with JB’s body? Really, the ITALIA tattoo did it for her?
4. That whole convo they had about having “a really fun night tonight” and then Kristin and JB said “don’t let me down" to each other.
5. Stacie said JB was hot, so obviously he had sex with her and put her under that weird spell that Audrina and Kristin are under.
6. And she said she didn’t hook up with anyone else in Vegas. Wasn’t that the whole point of the trip?
7. JB knows what going to a strip club with Kristin and a bartender with low self esteem (don't forget, she was once into Spencer) means. Those girls were putty in his fucking hands by the end of the night.
8. Stacie: “They definitely included me… We had a really good time, a really good time… and Justin’s great.”
9. That laugh as soon as JB and Kristin woke up. Sorry, but we all recognize that giggle that comes out as soon as you open your eyes and remember who else was in your bed last night.
10. At one point Kristin said to Stacie “If anyone finds out about anything, I’ll know who’s telling” as if MTV wasn’t filming their every move. Clearly, the cameras missed something.
As if that episode wasn’t epic enough, we’ve got the season finale next week! Spencer confronts Heidi, Brody comes to his senses re: Jayde, and Kristin wants to “really try” and give her relationship with JB “100%” while JB, as usual, wants to have fun. And then, the After Show will be a Hills & City combo?!? Holy shit, I cannot wait.