I’ve hosted a Super Bowl party for eight years in a row, and I upped the ante for 2010 with a used flat-screen TV I bought from a friend for the princely sum of $60. Great deal, but I slammed my thumb on the door frame carrying it into the house and I think it might be broken. In honour of the occasion, I’m taking a page from the bible of Bill Simmons and recording the proceedings running diary-style.
5:30pm: Spent the day gathering supplies from all over North Toronto, including a one-dollar No Frills cheese grater. Rob Duffy’s Super Bowl Party: brought to you by my friend Stephanie’s pickup truck.
5:47pm: I’ve got 11 people in my kitchen working on this year’s food spread, which includes two kinds of nachos, spinach dip, and gourmet pizzas courtesy of Mark, star pizza-maker at Vesuvio’s in the Junction. My friends used to gleefully line up to shotgun cans of Laker, and now we won’t touch guacamole unless it’s made with organic avocados from Whole Foods. How did we become 24-year-old yuppies?
6:15pm: The annual tradition of rushing our way through the Super Bowl proposition pool. My football-illiterate friend Brian chooses Reggie Bush for every category simply because he’s sleeping with Kim Kardashian, which somehow makes him awesome. (By the way, I’ve heard that their celebrity couple name is “The Bush and the Tush.” Is it possible for us to prevent that name from reaching the popular lexicon? Can you pursue legal action against a nickname?)
6:25pm: Saints win the coin toss, and Peyton Manning is looking more smug than ever. Little known facts about good old Manning: he’s a staunch Republican, he donates thousands to GOP candidates and he supported the re-election of George W. Bush. I bet Tom Brady hasn’t donated money to anyone but the numerous supermodels he has impregnated.
6:55pm: First quarter is a little slow until Pierre Garcon puts the Colts on the board. In the grossly over-saturated two-week build-up, the American sports media hyped this game the Su-Pierre Bowl, because it marks the first time both teams have a key offensive star named Pierre. Advantage: Garcon.
7:20pm: The only sack of the game is recorded by the Colts’ Dwight Freeney, who apparently spent the whole week rehabbing his sprained ankle by lying in a hyperbaric chamber. I assume he’s happy just to have some human contact.
7:30pm: A sign that the Super Bowl is lacking excitement: the conversation in my living room has been spent dissecting the Leafs for 15 minutes now. But we’re Canadian — I guess we can’t help it.
7:45pm: The Saints are stonewalled at the goal line thanks to a slip from Mike Bell. The first half is drawing to a close, and I can’t say I’m impressed with the Saints offense. If Drew Brees doesn’t get it going, the Manning Smugness Quotient is going through the roof.
8:03pm: Oh look, they’ve dragged out The Who to act as this year’s form of inoffensive, nostalgic halftime show entertainment. I can’t even think of an old age joke that hasn’t been beaten to death. Brian pulls one out of thin air: “I read on TMZ they were going to reanimate Keith Moon as a hologram to play the halftime show. Those bloggers are always full of shit.”
8:08pm: Roger Daltrey busts out the harmonica solo. Someone get this man an oxygen tank!
8:11pm: Pete Townshend may look about 80 years old, but that hasn’t stopped him from windmilling like it’s 1971. In a related story, ESPN is reporting that Townshend will be taken to hospital following this performance for emergency rotator-cuff surgery.
8:15pm: It’s official: this is the most disappointing halftime show since “Up With People.”
8:22pm: The room erupts after the Saints’ thrilling onside kick bounces off the hands of the Colts’ Hank Baskett and looks to bounce the Saints way. I won’t horrify you with stories about the things that happen at the bottom of the pile-on.
8:23pm: The Saints have the ball, and I’m positive the shocking onside kick will go down as tomorrow’s “watercooler moment.” I’m reminded how there are very few trick plays you can execute in hockey, unless you’re the Mighty Ducks. But even then, I attribute those to the magic of Emilio Estevez.
8:30pm: The Saints punch it in on a run by Pierre Thomas. My friend JP labels him the MVP — Most Valuable Pierre. Saints up 13-10.
8:35pm: A steely-eyed Manning threads the needle on a pass to Dallas Clark, and Joseph Addai takes it in for the TD. This is usually when the Colts kick into overdrive. The pizza in my stomach has turned to lead.
9:05pm: Colts kicker Matt Stover hooks the ball wide left! They just showed a seething Manning on the bench, bemoaning his latest idiot kicker. That’s right Peyton, it’s always the kicker’s fault.
9:14pm: Bald-eagle-tattooed tight end Jeremy Shockey hauls in the TD pass, and the Saints are going for two!
9:18pm: Challenge overturned! Lance Moore definitely had control, making it 24-17 Saints, and the tide is turning.
9:23pm: Manning has all kinds of time in the pocket and completes a broken play to Garcon. I think I’ve seen five running plays all game. If the Colts score, we could have overtime.
9:28pm: I’ve seen enough Super Bowls in my life that I should know when to hold it in. But my bladder won the battle this year and I flushed just in time to hear everyone yelling “INTERCEPTION!” Tracy Porter, he of the intricate hairstyles, picks off Manning and charges into the end zone. Cue the unforgettable moment of Super Bowl XLIV.
9:34pm: CBS just showed Drew Brees celebrating Porter’s pick-six with journeyman quarterback Mark Brunell. As a long-suffering Washington Redskins fan, I’m disgusted.
9:37pm: Two minute warning. Am I lucky enough to once again bear witness to Bill Simmons’ famed Peyton Manning Face?
9:40pm: It’s not over till it’s over…. It’s not over till it’s over….
9:44pm: Reggie Wayne misses the ball in the end zone and it’s over! SAINTS WIN!
9:45pm: And now for a moment of completely biased journalism: the score is still Tom Brady 3, Peyton Manning 1. The universe is unfolding as it should.
9:59pm: I hate how they always present the Lombardi Trophy to the winning owner. Luckily Tom Benson makes up for it with his authentic Creole accent: “Ny’Orlans is back! We back!!!”
10:02pm: The Super Bowl MVP is Drew Brees. He was unjustly booted out of San Diego, and he’s now established himself as the best QB in the NFL, for both fantasy and real-life purposes. Take a look at the guy’s numbers the last three years and try to dispute that statement.
12:25am: Just got in from our traditional Post-Super Bowl Tundra Classic touch football game. It’s -8 degrees Celsius, I’m short of breath, my legs feel like rubber, and I’ve got a column to write. Best Super Bowl ever.
HIGHLIGHT OF THE WEEK
In case you missed it, here’s the crucial Peyton Manning interception that was the final nail in the Colts’ coffin. I’m watching this video on repeat all day.
COMING NEXT WEEK: The first installment of Sports: The Blog’s Olympic spectacular, coming at you from EYE WEEKLY’s official Olympic war room, also known as a fold-out card table next to my couch.
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