On Screen
10,000 B.C.
BY Adam Nayman March 06, 2008 11:03
Starring Steven Strait, Camilla Belle. Written by Roland Emmerich, Harald Kloser. Directed by Roland Emmerich. (PG) 109 min. Opens Mar 6
A drinking game based around the historical inaccuracies in 10,000 B.C. — a film that posits the pyramids were built with the help of woolly mammoths — would cause brain death before the end of the first reel. And it would thus be redundant, because Roland Emmerich’s pre-Biblical epic doesn’t need any help killing little grey cells. This year's first Event Movie is almost guaranteed to wind up as its dumbest.
Not to mention its blandest: 10,000 B.C.’s PG rating precludes carnage or carnality. The story is meant to hinge on the love between an earnest young mammoth hunter (Steven Strait) and the foxy blue-eyed foundling touched by prophecy (Camilla Belle), but their yearning seems utterly chaste. Certainly there’s not enough chemistry to justify mammoth-boy’s epic quest to steal his beloved back from a marauding tribe based in the “mountains of the Gods,” which turns out to look a lot like the pseudo-Egyptian sets from Stargate.
But before we get there, mammoth-boy and his ragtag band, comprised of other people dishonored by the marauders (each tribe has its own costume motif, like in The Warriors) have to face all manner of peril. Some of it comes from within (conquering fear and all that), but most of it has to do with monsters. These include some carnivorous ostrich-lizards and a saber-tooth tiger with the unintentionally Surrealist tendency to change size from scene to scene (shades, actually, of Emmerich’s Godzilla, which had similar problems with scale).
625 Church St, 6th Floor, Toronto M4Y 2G1
Related Stories
THE UNKNOWN WOMAN
To say that The Unknown Woman represents a change of pace for Giuseppe (Cinema Paradiso) Tornatore is an understatement; call it Giuseppe Goes Giallo.
J’ENTENDS PLUS LA GUITARE
“Don’t forget to slam it good,” shouts the woman at her departing lover; with a contemptuous smile, he assents.
THE RISE AND FALL OF THE GRUMPY BURGER
Here’s a second shot to catch this Hot Doc hit, Matt Gallagher’s very funny portrait of filmmaker pal Marshall Sfalcin, Windsor, Ontario’s very own Roger Corman
- EYEWEEKLY.COM
- Write a Letter to the Editor
- Masthead and Contacts
- Privacy Policy
- Employment Opportunities
- Advertise With Us
- Distribution
- Star Media Group Sites
- ren.ca
- canadianimmigrant.ca
- insurancehotline.com
- swaymag.ca
- More Star Pass Sites
- TheStar.com
- toronto.com
- Wheels.ca
- Ourfaves.ca
- LiveDeal.ca
