Let’s just pretend you two were just wearing nice outfits this week, shall we? Oh fuck it, never mind, I can’t. Dan, seriously, I get that it made your arms and chest look buff, but that shirt was otherwise disgusting. Please throw it out. That’s two weeks in a row now, so let’s really make the effort to get it right next week, OK? And Jessi, lamé is French for lame, as in “It is lame to wear gold lamé in 2009.”
So Heidi has lost the plot, in a Single White Female mental breakdown kind of way, and it’s scaring me. And then Brody shocked the shit out of me when he decided to go back to Port Perry’s most famous slut. Basically, this whole episode kind of lost me. Thankfully, Dassi stand by faithfully, waiting to talk me down and remind me that none of this is even remotely relevant to the rest of the world or any of our real lives.
LOVED:
1. That you finally acknowledged Stephanie Pratt and her spot of trouble. You waited until she made a public announcement about it, and you cut and paste that announcement into your show, but at least you stopped pretending nothing happened.
2. That Jessi was totally encouraging the audience’s booing of Heidi and Spencer’s book until Dan cut them off.
3. That Dan called the page in How To Be Famous about getting the best lighting for paparazzi photos “enlightening.”
4. When Jessi’s women’s-studies side came out during the discussion about boob jobs and tears being Women’s Weapons of Mass Destruction. Watching Jessi try to reconcile her intellectual feminism with analysis of The Hills is one of my favourite things about the After Show.
5. That Jessi called the lunch date between Heidi and Lo “a MENSA meeting.” Oh snap.
6. And then, you found a photo of the hooker outfit that Heidi wore to that meeting! And then you made a joke about how Heidi could have gotten herself knocked up by a john! And then you made that same strange smiley face Heidi made after saying that she gets what she wants. This was a great thirty seconds.
7. Dan’s reference to chicken tetrazzini when talking about Heidi going insane and cooking for Spencer. You could have done a whole segment on how completely fucking batshit crazy Heidi went this week, but a Maury reference kind of does the trick.
8. That clip of Jayde trying to explain her feelings on Audrina using a language that she’s apparently not accustomed to. Anyway, the girl looked naked until the very last seconds, which is how she should always look ’cause it’s easier to hit mute than to find a copy of Playboy.
9. Audrina for having a good sense of humour and nominating Mila Kunis to play herself in the movie adaptation of Lauren Conrad’s L.A. Candy because of this Funny Or Die spoof.
10. Jessi, for turning this ridiculous job into a way to support a village in Kenya. I mean, the levels of financial inefficiency around this dress auction are myriad, but hell, props to you for at least trying to make some sense of it all.
CALLING BULLSHIT ON:
1. The montages this week. The suicidal Brody one was OK, and so was the Justin’s Voice Message one, but we’ve seen much, much better.
2. Your research team. They were right about Brody’s mom being named Linda, but her last name isn’t Jenner, it’s Thompson. Other fun facts I learned while confirming that: she’s 59 years old, dated Elvis Presley, was only married to Bruce Jenner for 4 years, whereas David Foster waited a whole 15 to divorce her.
3. After Show friend Mike, who said that “the last thing you want, as a guy, is your ex turning into a crazy woman and beating up one of your friends… That’s not an attractive thing.” I’m not calling bullshit on that, but apparently Brody is.
4. Audrina, for bailing on coming to the After Show in person, and then for making up for it by appearing via satellite three weeks later. Too little, too late, I say.
5. Audrina’s hair colour! When they showed clips from this episode beside the satellite image of her now, the difference is so dramatic that it looked like she might have gone wig shopping.
6. The fact that Audrina obviously is leading a secret life that she’s not letting MTV film. Because really, if Lauren’s too busy to talk to her anymore, and Steph’s in rehab, and Justin Bobby’s with Kristin, then who the hell is she hanging out with?
7. That you didn’t notice that Heidi left the house for the first time this season! Sure, it was to go to a psychotherapist, but honestly, I can’t remember seeing off of her own property in months.
8. Also, there was a joke to be made about Jayde being identified as “Brody’s ex-girlfriend” and Brody being identified as “Kristin’s ex-boyfriend.” Hello, Brody is everyone’s ex!
9. When Spencer was clearly on to Heidi, you could have shown that clip of Stephanie saying “don’t bullshit a bullshitter” from Holly’s intervention episode.
Seeing as the next week teasers have been outrageously misleading lately, I’m going to assume that Heidi bought a pregnancy test because she thought it was candy, and Justin was too drunk to know who Kristin was and will remember nothing of their tryst when they leave Vegas. Is a Kristin-JB-Stacey threesome too much to ask for? Come on, someone’s got to keep up with Gossip Girl!