Polaris gets Fucked Up

by: Chandler Levack

September 22, 2009 12:00 PM

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In an event some music critics are calling “Nerd Christmas,” Fucked Up took home the $20,000 Polaris Music Prize for their album The Chemistry Of Common Life, while sets from Metric, Patrick Watson and a cookie sheet-banging Elliott Brood made everyone question the identity of Canadian music

“Happy Nerd Christmas, everyone!” That’s how critics were rejoicing in the streets outside the Masonic Temple last night, after the long overdue announcement that Toronto hardcore outfit Fucked Up, known to our national media “as the Canadian group with the unprintable name,” had won the fourth annual Polaris Music Prize for their album The Chemistry of Common Life.

It’s an ironic crowning, considering the harsh treatment Fucked Up were given by security as they made their way inside the venue. Forced to sign a waiver promising that they wouldn’t destroy stage property, guitarist Ben Cook seemed particularly perturbed. “Mainly they just frisked me and Damian every time we entered the building,” he claimed.

After taking the stage again for a raucous Final Fantasy/Lullabye Arkestra-assisted performance of Chemistry's “Son The Father” — in which lead singer Damian Abraham removed his shirt and pants, configuring his boxer briefs into a sumo thong — Abraham attributed the band’s victory to the Canadian hardcore scene: “This just goes to show that you don’t have to have any musical talent at all,” he self-deprecated.

While Nerd Christians know Abraham’s joke just plain ain’t true, the sight of the Polaris team awarding its oversized cheque to the roly-poly frontman of an unprintable outfit in a genre of music vastly removed from Great Big Sea-type CanCon success just goes to show that, each year, the Polaris mutates into something new. And tonight, Damian Abraham is our new personal Jesus.

Other highlights from the three-hour plus gala include:

Weirdest Peter, Paul and Mary Impersonation
Metric’s acoustic renditions of “Help! I’m Alive” and “Gimme Sympathy” didn’t fully showcase the stadium-rockin' talents of our country’s best new wave band. Though the band’s Canadian quotient of Jimmy Shaw and Emily Haines did their best (especially with Haines rocking a tambourine), there was a serious lack of pop pizzazz.

Humbling Acceptance Phrase of the Night
“It’s just a great honour to be here” — as uttered by Tony Dekker of Great Lake Swimmers, Metric’s Emily Haines, Joel Plaskett and Hey Rosetta!’s Tim Baker.

Awkward French-Canadian Language Barrier Alert
“So how does it feel to be nominated?” asked co-host Sarah Taylor of Malajube's Julien Mineau. His reply: “It’s alright, yeh yeh yeh…” Enough said?

Most Obvious Fact Stated
“When I first saw them perform, I was only vaguely aware of them…” said York professor Rob Bowman in his introduction of 2007 Polaris’ winners Patrick Watson. The band surely stuck out after a strange treatment of a song played in the centre of the room with oversized speaker boxes strung with tentacle lights, transforming Watson and his drummer into indie-rock WALL-Es.

Oddest Description of K’Naan
“He’s a model Canadian — someone who’s polite but doesn’t take any shit,” said Jian Ghomeshi of K’Naan. It didn’t hurt that the MC’s “fun fact” was that he played with an AK-47 in school. Regardless, an invigorating performance of “Wavin’ Flag” had the whole room (even journalists twittering on their laptops) doing the music-critic head bob.

Creepiest Co-Host Banter
“I’m old enough to be your father and small enough to be your baby,” said CBC Radio 3 host Grant Lawrence to Sarah Taylor, who towered over him in heels.

Best Description of Joel Plaskett’s Three
Said MuchMusic programmer Craig Halkett: “It’s mainstream without trying to be mainstream, alternative without trying to be alternative.” (Though Plaskett’s Tom Petty-style shakes and the fact that his dad Bill accompanied him on guitar were really sweet.)

Fiercest Polaris Outfit
Canada’s Next Top Model judge Yasmin Warsame — a guest of K'Naan's — wearing what can only be described as a video-ho see-thru white jumpsuit, slit down to her waist and weirdly hooded. No wonder why she was complaining how cold it was downstairs. Tremendous.

Most Affecting Album Introduction
Michael Barclay’s intro to Chad VanGaalen’s Soft Airplane. With poetic stanzas like “the cries of the dead make beautiful music,” it was obvious how much consideration he put into one this year’s best speeches.

Greatest Sonic Youth Impression
Chad VanGaalen’s static-clinged fuzz outro to “Poisonous Heads,” in which he groped the amplifier like Thurston Moore. His gleeful post-performance babble also transcended the usual awards-show pap, with lines like “if this [prize decision] was left to a micro-organism, we’d all be swimming in a pool of gelatin.”

Most Unfortunate Music Critic Name
Elliott Brood introduction-speech-giver Amanda Putz from CBC Radio.

Best Use Of Cookie Sheet Percussion
The entire audience, as we were encouraged to bang to the stomping mountain beats of Elliott Brood using a wooden spoon.

East Coast Band Who Could Legitimately Be U2
Hey Rosetta!, who managed an effusive piano-plunking epic augmented by arena guitars and three girl violinists. Not bad for a humble collective from St. John’s.

Reason to Love The Polaris
Towards the end of the ceremony, an impromptu food fight broke out between members of Malajube and Patrick Watson, while Lawrence tried to mediate the scene. Also: last year’s winner Caribou — on hand to announce this year's Polaris winner — totally spent his prize money on horn players and, one assumes, the pair of Birkenstock sandals he was wearing.

Feliz Navidad, nerds!

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Polaris gets Fucked Up

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