The After Show After Blog: Episode 4 (The Full Report)

Phew, thank god that's over, AMIRIGHT?! Sorry Jessi and Dan, I just couldn't wait for this particular After Show to end, mostly 'cause I could hear my own disturbing cackle of a laugh in the background the whole damn time. Now, on to an extra-insiderey analysis of the analysis of the episode in which Holly became an alcoholic and recovered in less than five minutes, and Justin Bobby continued to work his weird aphrodisiac magic on the only two girls in the world who seem susceptible to it.

Dan, I overheard you say that you didn't even bother to change for the show this week, and frankly, I'm fine with that. Somehow you manage to pull off the hot hat (that's what I'm calling it when it comes to you) in a way Justin Bobby never could.

And Jessi, as I already told you in the makeup room, when you said that you were calling your dress the "pregnant figure-skater dress," it was just after I had made a mental note to do the same, right here, right now. You beat me to it, as you and Dan did so many times this week. And just so the people at home know, Dan and Jessi are exactly as tall, skinny and gorgeous in real life as they appear on TV; it's disgusting. The only thing that looked bigger was Dan's glasses. Seriously, they're huge. On to the Loving and Calling Bullshit On, this time covering the entire three hours I was stuck inside the MTV building on Monday night.

LOVED:
1. Watching The Hills 24 hours early, even if it was the version that hadn't had music edited into it yet. It just meant I could sing memorable theme songs from other shows (Full House, 90210, Dawson's Creek) in my head while the opening credits were playing in absolute silence.

2. That when Jessi talked about being nominated for a Gemini award (The After Show was up for Best Talk Show, and the ceremony was last night, which is why we taped The After Show a day early), she readily admitted that she and Dan are prepared to clap politely when Strombo wins it for The Hour (he did, she was right). I, on the other hand, am offended that a show called Steven & Chris is also nominated in the category... I mean, sure, I might be biased, but Steven and who?

3. That Dan is really doing this whole diet thing (he's agreed to appear topless on The After Show in a while) by having two meals a day delivered to the MTV building. Apparently he's lost 15 pounds already, though I don't know where they were before.



4. Eavesdropping on Dan and Sarah Levy… yup, that After Show friend sitting beside me to my right was his sister, so I got to sit in a room and listen to Eugene Levy’s kids talk to each other about the boring shit siblings talk to each other about. I know that’s a creepy and weird thing to take such pleasure in, but it just added to the whole surreal experience of the night.

5. The MTV makeup lady, whose name I have shamefully forgotten (I was a little distracted, OK?). [UPDATE: Her name is Lucky Bromhead, and I feel like a total jackass for forgetting a name like Lucky.] When I questioned her use of eyeliner (I am not a big makeup person) she gently informed me that she's been doing this for 17 years. (See below for my battle to get the stuff off my face though.)

6. That in the MTV women's bathroom, there was a sign about flushing. They're just like us! (Side note: while in the bathroom I could hear the audience upstairs watching the episode and cheering, and felt a sudden kinship with Roman gladiators being sent to the lions, because I was being totally overdramatic.)

7. Watching the episodes on Tuesday night on real television with real music. You don’t get the little bits they do before the commercial breaks in The Hills when you watch it online, and believe me, The Hills is extra weird without music.

8. The warning for this episode: "Fuck this! Let's go dancing! Woo!" This is pretty much what I've been thinking since last night.

9. The Sex Talk With Dad segment was perfect; thanks for cutting through Kristin's bullshit.

10. That Jessi called Stephanie's DUI "so Paris Hilton 2006."

11. That guest caller Perez Hilton actually said, "Thanks for returning my calls, Dan" and then Dan had to mumble his way out of it.

12. That Perez said Stephanie could be more original if she made a sex tape with Spencer, and you guys didn't chicken out and cut it.

[UPDATE: I take it all back, well, the last three points at least. The entire first segment of the show has been cut from the online version, so the whole convo with Perez is gone, as is any mention at all of Steph's DUI! Listen carefully and you can hear Jessi saying "we're back" at the beginning of the (now) first segment. Also, in the original show she made a joke about Stephanie remembering Derek's name when she gets out of jail next week, which made Dan make a yikes-maybe-you-took-that-too-far face, and sure enough, the line about jail is gone, but Dan's freaked out face lives on without context.]

13. That when we were brought up on stage during the commercial break and I was FREAKING THE FUCK OUT, Dassi asked how I was (I think I gave them an "I want to go home" look) and both looked back with kind, reassuring looks. Jessi also stole the joke I've been saying all day about wishing those martini glasses actually contained food-coloured vodka. Unfortunately, it really is just Vitamin Water.

14. Also, during the commercial break, Dassi were reacting to Perez's comment and acknowledging that there's not really anything nice you can say about someone getting a DUI. When I suggested "Congratulations on your first DUI!?" they both looked at me and said, "second." That kind of attention to detail is what makes you two special.

15. Also, noticing Tom Green! Well played, though After Show friend Quinn noticed him when we watched the episode in the basement, so, well played, Quinn.

16. Speaking of good catches and attention to detail, which one of you smartypants noticed that Stephanie forgot Derek’s name two episodes in a row? And that dude in the background of the engagement photo?

17. That clip of Kristin from Laguna Beach where she’s wearing a choker — let’s all try to keep that image of her in mind now that she’s trying to be a grown up. Also, Promposals! Is there some way to bring those back?


CALLING BULLSHIT ON:
1. The snack size bags of Doritos I was offered and one of the two cans of Diet Coke in the fridge. Oh thank you, you're too kind.

2. Yael’s Michael Jackson blazer, which actually would’ve looked even more hysterically ridiculous, but in a good way, if Quinn had worn it over his tuxedo t-shirt.

3. Not having Tika there as an After Show friend — I have a feeling she and I would have gotten along like a loud, brash house on fire.

4. The fact that the TV we (i.e., the other After Show friends and I) watched The Hills on wouldn't let us watch Gossip Girl afterwards, so I had to watch an episode of Dancing With The Stars.

5. Jessi for calling Dan "D" as if the one syllable in the name Dan is somehow too long.

6. The makeup that wouldn't go away! That shit is crazy. First, I got it all over my phone, and then, after a few splashes of water and some gently rubbing, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and... nothing had moved, at all. Water was beading on my face like I was a freshly waxed car; the eyeliner was exactly where the makeup artist left it. I ended up having to use rubbing alcohol on both my face and my phone.

7. Oh, and calling bullshit on not having anyone fix my hair. I know I'm acting like a spoiled brat now, but really, my hair was friggin' enormous!

8. Kristin, who, as the BFF I watched the show with said, overacts even when she's playing herself. Also, whose fucking house did they rent for her Laguna scene? BFF pointed out that on Laguna Beach, Kristin was the one who lived in the modest bungalow.

9. Stephanie, because really, Miss Double DUI, you might want to shut your boozy mouth. Dassi beat me to this one, but what they didn't mention was the additional hypocrisy of Heidi lecturing Holly about not being taken seriously.

10. JB having a key to Kristin's apartment already. Jessi beat me to this one. (BFF: "Whatever, Kristin's door is always open for business." True.)

11. The montage of Holly dancing should've had Billy Idol's "Dancing With Myself" as the soundtrack, not that it wasn't still funny to watch Holly do the jitterbug.

12. The camera angles that made the audience look bigger than it actually was. To be fair, not as many people showed up because the show wasn't on its regular night, but still, it kinda feels like cheating.

13. Myself, for completely interrupting Yael, but, it was while she was incorrectly suggesting that Holly had ordered two seperate drinks (she hadn't, she just requested that her margarita be made with Patrón), and, I got a "smattering" of "golf claps" for my comment, so whatevs.

14. Myself, for suggesting that JB was wearing a hooded sweater. Dan was right, he wasn't, he was wearing a regular sweater and was defo taking it off on the way to Kristin's bedroom.

15. Jessi, because while I’m pretty sure she meant “heebie jeebies,” she actually said “a little heeb” when referring to Kristin’s dad’s creepiness.

16. Myself, for saying “good night” at least three times when answering the question about the most intimate thing I’ve ever said to my dad. At least I didn’t pretend my dad still thinks I play with Barbies while wearing an engagement ring the size of Mars. (Sorry Yael, but you don’t get a ring that size for being a virgin.)

17. Jessica’s cheesy/creepy engagement and wedding photos! Stephanie’s not the only one who’s had some work done.

18. Was Jessica’s headshot during the phone call taken in the driver’s seat of a car? MTV doesn’t have a slightly better promo pic of her? Or any picture of her not taken by her youth pastor husband on the way to church?

19. Fuck it: Jessica. Yup, I’m just calling bullshit on Jessica. You’d rock a Laguna Beach reunion because you had a shotgun wedding? To a youth pastor? This is far too obvious and she’s not even part of a written storyline anymore; don’t we all remember that she was the slut on LB? At least she can cook now, now that she’s abandoned all hope of a career and has settled for being the homely wife, at 22 years old no less.

And there we have it. The most traumatizing (for me, anyway) episode of The After Show goes into the archives, and we can start getting ready for next week, which looks like it’s going to be amazing. Dassi didn’t say anything specific about it at the end of The After Show because no one in the studio had seen the “next week on” clip yet, but now that we have, I can’t fuckin' wait. Kristin and Brody by episode six — called it!