Procrasturbation

by: Kate Carraway

November 11, 2009 12:00 PM

Comments: (3)

Getting off to avoid getting on with it comes highly recommended

Procrasturbation — that is, procrastinating via masturbation — happens when we’re overwhelmed, uninspired or dreading whatever it is we should be doing. And we — all of us lazy, dirty pieces of shit — do it, effectively abusing our sexual needs and depleting our sexual resources when being productive feels like too much work. It’s especially prevalent among those of us who work from home, as well as the un- and -underemployed (not that these groups are necessarily distinct).

Procrasturbation is perfectly suited to the human products of the recession, when more of us are subject to the homebound lifestyle, an unusual state of being for a working animal. A barely employed friend of mine interrupts my explanation of what “procrasturbation” is, saying, “Yes! I totally do that!” and a few others shyly own up to it. It’s not just about being left alone and bored all day. Getting slammed on all sides (Rent! Phone bills! Resumés! That constant, unsolvable stress headache!) can rob a person of a crucial sense of mastery. This means that even the smallest, self-made achievements, like orgasm, can elevate and satisfy us. Collectively, we’re in need of some kind of real, tangible relief, and not just the impersonal, unproven hope and positivity emanating from Barack Obama’s White House or whatever other reasons we have to be optimistic.

Procrasturbation is, of course, among the more effective ways to put off real work, if you’re lucky enough to have it, or the banalities of householding. Unlike randomly flipping TV channels or sluggishly clicking through message boards, procrasturbation is a genuinely fulfilling way to avoid doing stuff. You tend to come away having accomplished something (coming!), even if it doesn’t generate money or fulfill an item on a to-do list (unless your to-do list is way more awesome than mine).

Napping and procrasturbating both provide flushed cheeks and a heavy, full-body warmth, but one messes with your REM sleep, while the other probably contributes to it. Snacking, smoking pot and getting retardedly, afternoon-hazily drunk — tested and true methods employed by procrastinators everywhere — make you bloated, gross and regretful. The same can’t be said of rubbing one out.

Procrasturbation has a different end, and so a different character, than regular masturbation. Since the goal isn’t a fast, focused climax, one is freer to engage in meandering fantasies and more likely to try out new getting-off material. If you’re into porn, maybe you’ll check out the weirder stuff. A wild card or two can be indulged when you’re not particularly anxious to just come and get on to the next thing, already. And, since procrasturbation happens when you really should be doing something else, there’s that lurid, sexy guilt element, thoroughly felt while languishing on top of wrinkled sheets, bathed in midday sunlight with maybe some soap opera dialogue filtering in from the living room, reminiscent of the early days of going it alone in cluttered teenage bedrooms, digging the process as much as its completion.

A solo orgasm is always indulgently non-performative and subject to lower expectations, but a procrasturbation-fuelled orgasm is pursued for more than just coming and, in a practical sense, procrasturbation can be especially productive. This kind of relief cleanses and calms the mental palate, providing a buffer between one task and another, rendering your need for more traditional procrastination less important and more easily overcome.

After that final “Aaaahhhhhhhggh,” you’re more likely to be ready to face down actual, hard work. Unless, of course, you’re one of those types who undermines the procrasturbatory orgasm by immediately falling asleep, and wake up reaching for the Poppycock and a beer. That won’t help you. When you’re working out an idea, or vaguely considering the most efficient way to handle your errands, retreating for a little while into procrasturbation’s liminal headspace provides a subconscious pocket for that stuff to gestate and solve itself.

More than anything, procrasturbation makes real the sense that we’re entering an epoch of simpler living. Drop a few large at a strip club, if you like, or just get into the fact that you’ve been working out your own finely tuned stimulation routine for at least a few decades, and embrace an activity that costs nothing and is best done alone and at home. Getting comfortable with yourself, on your own, is a valuable asset in a financial valley like this one. You never know when going off the grid will become your reality.

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