Love and Sex

Do you want to know the truth?

by: Edward Keenan
December 16, 2009 12:00 PM
Comments: (6)

I’m asking you: is there such a thing as too much honesty?

So a few weeks ago, I’m explaining my theory that it’s absurd for people to expect that they’ll be able to “fulfill” their spouse’s sexual needs, because many, many people — most men, I’d wager, and quite a few women, too — have a very basic craving to have sex with many different partners. So even if you don’t have an open relationship, and even if your partner is faithful, they will often on some level wish they could have sex with other people and they will wish that that wouldn’t hurt you. And you need to learn to live with that, one way or the other. Anyhow, that’s the subject of a different essay.

The point is, while I’m explaining this, a perfectly intelligent young woman I know looks at me, horrified, and says, “don’t tell your wife that.”

It was the second time in the past few months that a woman had said that to me. The previous time, I was talking about how, despite it being the best thing that ever happened to me in most respects, sometimes marriage sucks. Really sucks. Not my marriage, in particular, but just the whole enterprise of having obligations to another person that will often need to take precedence over your own desires. That part sometimes sucks. And this fortysomething marketing-type looks at me from behind her pink-framed glasses and says, “don’t ever tell that to your wife.”

So in both cases, I’m thinking, what the fuck? I mean, it’s just casual conversation, but are these women really suggesting that it will be better for my relationship with my life partner — my best friend — if I lie to her about my most fundamental feelings about the nature of relationships? They’re telling me to deceive my wife and they think I should learn from that that they think I’m the one with warped ideas about romance?

How does that square with the women’s-magazine wisdom that honesty is the best policy? That open communication (something men — me often included — are notoriously reticent about) is the key to a happy long-term relationship?

I mean obviously her ass does not look fat in those jeans, no matter what I think about it; I can internalize the honesty embedded in the cliché. And that goes both ways — if my wife has had better sex in her life than she’s having with me, she has my full permission to keep me in the dark about that fact, and I don’t mind if she concocts elaborate narratives to aid in the deception.

But about fundamental truths about how we view our relationship, and how we view the nature of relationships, don’t we owe each other complete honesty?

I want to write more about that, but I thought perhaps first I’d ask you, EYE WEEKLY readers, for your opinion on the subject. Is it ever acceptable to lie to your partner? If so, about what? Do you have experiences with truth-telling (or truth concealing), good or bad, that will shed light on the right balance of candor?

Write me at ekeenan@eyeweekly.com or post a comment below to let me know your take. I’ll quote the most insightful responses in a column on this page in January. And for the person who provides the most illuminating response — as judged solely by me — I’ll send along a prize pack of assorted EYE WEEKLY swag (provided you give me legitimate contact info in your email or commenting account). Be honest with me here.

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