Cities like London, Paris and Berlin are known for putting the “peein’” in “European” by making public restrooms readily available all over their streets. However, here in Toronto, lord knows how many unnecessary muffins or mocha lattes have been purchased by bladder-bursting denizens in order to acquire the customers-only bathroom key at the Second Cup. But if you look hard enough, you can find hassle-free porcelain salvation in this city — here’s a guide on where to go when you gotta go.
BROADVIEW & DANFORTH
Magic Oven (788 Broadview, across from Broadview station): The owners of this quaint pizzeria are quite accommodating and happy to let you use their downstairs washroom for free. Upon making your descent, however, beware of the absurdly low Being John Malkovich–style ceilings. The washroom itself is cramped, with a barely functioning toilet, gritty toilet paper and corrosion spots everywhere. On your way out, try avoiding the curious tiny door in the hallway.
Broadview Medical Centre (741 Broadview): Located on the bottom floor inside the patient waiting room, this lovely latrine is a nifty little find. A shiny porcelain toilet, ample fluffy toilet paper and lavender wallpaper give this room a touch of class. Intoxicating scents abound, from meadows-and-rain air freshener to tasteful (but not tasty) mandarin orange soap.
Black Swan Tavern (154 Danforth): Walking into this restroom is like being punched in the face; the resident poop stench is strong enough to kill a water buffalo. If you can suppress your gag reflex long enough, the toilets function properly. Still, the condom vending machines are admirable, boasting a wide array of supplies from finger vibrators to horny goat weed.
Jerry on the Job (on the corner of Danforth & Ellerbeck): While the dreaded outhouse is usually the least desirable place to do the deed, these bright orange fixtures are porta-potty paradise. The sleek black toilet seats are resplendently clean and TP is abundant. Miraculously, these commodes always smell like gardenias (even during the Taste of Danforth’s peak hours!). Also, the outdoor two-way hands-free sink is an architectural masterwork.
The Big Carrot Natural Food Market (348 Danforth): To the left of cash lane five, this hidden gem is barely ever used. Aromatic tea tree oil scents and lemongrass zen hand soap make for a sensuous lavatory experience. For paranoid germaphobes, 62 per cent organic hand sanitizer is supplied as well. The toilet is slightly uncooperative, requiring a longer than usual push in order to flush. Nevertheless, this john scores high for the general tidiness of the operation.
QUEEN WEST
Java House (537 Queen W.): Who needs a book of crosswords when the writing on the stalls is so damn entertaining? Not only will you find out that capitalism will destroy the world, you can find out the time and date to meet “a real man who knows how to please” (provided you’re on the prowl for STDs).
Sushi 2 Go (414 Queen W.): Like my Aunt Candy’s plastic-wrapped couch, this porcelain throne was so pristine you should have been scolded for sitting on it, let alone….
Theatre Passe Muraille (16 Ryerson): A great spot to take a tinkle but be warned, this loo is one thin wall away from the theatre and the working thespians might not appreciate loud expulsions of gas interrupting the show.
Blockbuster (170 Spadina Av.): If you’ve downed a few brewskies and the seal must be broken, don’t waste your time on artsy Queen Video; Blockbuster is friendly, clean and has a great selection of munchies to appease any late-night craving.
Centre for Addiction and Mental Health (1001 Queen W.): OK, so it does feel unethical to use a hospital bathroom, but hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go. The bathrooms (located at the end of the entrance hall) are fearsomely sterile but there is something intoxicating about Summer Citrus Mr. Clean.
THE ANNEX
Honest Ed’s (581 Bloor W.): This washroom doesn’t require store permission, but you might get lost among the flashy signs and autographed pictures. The stench and lack of toilet paper make this place less than ideal in times of urgency.
Miles Nadal JCC (750 Spadina Av.): Just walk through the side entrance and you’ll be able to get to the washroom without any questions. It’s clean, there’s little to no smell — at least there wasn’t when I was there — and you don’t feel dirty when you walk back onto the street.
Tim Hortons (527 Bloor W.): Just ask for the key. This place is hit or miss, as in you may have to buy a coffee one time, but the next you time they’ll let you use the flusher free of charge. Try to smile, use a customer-service kind of voice and you should be good. (Bonus: not very smelly.)
Vesta Lunch (474 Dupont): Just walk in like you’re on a mission. They won’t ask questions, plus there’s an ATM beside the bathroom so you can take out money while you’re at it (or at least pretend that’s why you’re there).
YONGE & EGLINTON
Yonge and Eglinton Centre (northwest corner of Yonge and Eglinton): Follow the washroom signs deep into the centre and you’ll find a clean four-staller with a mirror and soap dispenser at each sink.
Indigo (located in Yonge and Eglinton Centre): Closer to the street and open later (till 10pm on weeknights; 11pm on weekends) than the mall in which it’s housed, Indigo’s washrooms offer three well-maintained stalls and a full-length mirror for primping.