Yes, there are only two stars up there for this second installment of the Twilight Saga. But don’t worry, I’m bracing for the backlash. And it looks like I’m in good company; as I write this review, New Moon has garnered only a pitiful 31 per cent on the Rotten Tomatoes "fresh" meter (meaning 69 per cent of the 134 reviews so far classify as "rotten"). Not that it matters; the frustrated relationship between Bella and Edward (played by Kristen Stewart and Jason Priestly-esque heartthrob Robert Pattinson) is sure to draw hordes of Twi-hards out to the theatre in the days and weeks to come regardless of what me or the New York Times or Rolling Stone or The Guardian or anyone else says.

But I can’t help but feel sorry for the fans, since their Twi-loving blinders will likely prevent them from feeling like they just spent 130 minutes getting cheated. Even after conceding the saga’s dubious particulars — that vampires can go out in the daylight as long as they are wearing a ridiculous amount of white greasepaint and that werewolves can double their body mass when transformed into the laughably snarling CGI-beast selves — New Moon is incredibly tedious and sorely lacking in interesting plot points or significant character development. Which seems like a terrible waste of screen time for a series that’s intended to run for (at least) four lengthy films.

Aside from a couple of dogfights and one vamp-on-vamp brawl, the audience is pretty much forced to dwell on Bella’s melodramatic post-breakup misery for what feels like forever. And then when she finally gets around to having a rebound relationship, what could be a heart-wrenching supernatural love triangle comes across as purely fauxmantic since Bella, Edward and newly minted werewolf Jacob (Taylor Lautner) spend more time talking about their longing than conveying it in a meaningful or believable way. (The exception being Stewart’s Lykke Li-soundtracked catatonia and a serious case of the night terrors.) In the end, Bella’s continued vampire aspirations and a mounting conflict between the emo-prep vampires and jockish werewolves offers little payoff; New Moon feels more like a place marker for Eclipse than a serious attempt at storytelling.