Aries (March 21-April 19)
Life continues to be nothing if not surprising for Aries, particularly when finances improve immediately after you begin to speak exclusively in a Quebecois accent. Of course, it helps more for those of you who are hookers.

Joseph-Armand Bombardier (inventor, Apr 16)

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Wandering around like an overstimulated child this week, Taurus, you’ll find your way into a great deal of trouble once you realize you can’t actually carry all those glistening rotisserie chickens home on your bicycle.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
After a week of street brawls and immature and occasionally illegal behaviour over text messaging, you’ve finally simmered down, Gemini. Unfortunately this means it’s going to be a lot harder to mine your life for material for that CBC rip-off of
The Wire you’re writing a treatment for.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Drawing wisdom and guidance from one’s experience is one of the best parts of growing older, Cancer. Sadly, your proclivity for complete self-delusion, amnesia and shrugging off any possible blame for anything prevents you from actually even remembering what happened to you ever, much less learning from it.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
It’s about time you had your fragile ego salvaged by the love of a burly, jovial man, Leo. This kind of happiness will finally enter your life this week, if only you’d get your hydraulic brake lines checked in time.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22)
For a change, fate is easy on Virgo right now. This is a breath of fresh spring air after everything you went through with the health department calling everyone you’d ever slept with and served food to.

Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22)
Things turn a corner for Libra this week when decisive measures are taken to make your academic career much simpler (i.e., when you are simply asked to leave the program altogether).

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
For once, suspicious eyes aren’t on you, Scorpio. This offers you a bit of a reprieve (in terms of getting away with your usual self-aggrandizing bullshit), but also kind of bums you out (because no one is paying attention).

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
It’s a nice week for Sagittarius, what with the flowers budding and your newly inflated bike tires and that $300 of drug and pedicure money you think you’re up because you forgot to pay your OSAP.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Pluto retrograde in Capricorn has bought you a little time to dick around, mull things over and run the numbers through your spreadsheet a few more times, Capricorn. Yet the combination of being paralyzed by indecision and secretly psychotic will probably not carry you safely into, say, summer. Or the weekend.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 19)
Despite your better efforts to stir the pot as usual, you have a mild week in store, Aquarius, full of tax preparation, indifferent but pleasant emotional responses from others and a good three days of leftover beans and rice.

Pisces (Feb 20-March 20)
Pisces is finally off the rag this week and willing to listen to reason, possibly even entertain the idea of taking a chance on a new career, romantic endeavour or offshore oil investment. Or all three combined!