Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
Though you’ve always been bold, Leo, there’s a secret caution behind your attitude. Not so this week, as preparations for making yourself the absolute centre of the universe consume you to the point that you nearly forget to bathe, brush your hair, update your Facebook status hourly, etc. Pull yourself together!

Famous Canadians born this week:
Honest Ed Mirvish (retailer, impresario, July 24)
Anna Paquin (actress, July 24, pictured)
Steve Podborski (skier/crazy Canuck, July 25)
Austin Clarke (author, July 26)
Terry Fox (crusader, July 28)
Peter Jennings (newscaster, July 29)
Paul Anka (musician, July 30)
Tom Green (actor, July 30)

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
It isn’t so much that you’re selfless, Virgo, as that you are at least paid reasonably well to act like you’re selfless. Thus the end of July brings tremendous personal and professional responsibility, none of which will affect anyone who doesn’t watch Canadian comedy series pilots.

Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Now is the time for revisiting, Libra. Revisiting, specifically, people who are smarter and more experienced than you are. Luckily almost everyone you keep around you fits this description.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Your cult status reaches epic proportions this week when both your haircut and your blog receive so many hits you think about going up north for the weekend just to get away from it all. But since egomania really suits you, you should probably only go as far north as say, College Street.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Jan 19)
Whether or not you planned to commit for real this time, life throws a curve ball at Sagittarius this midsummer, as opportunities too freakish to deny throw themselves at your feet like so many rose petals. Sexy, sexy, sexy rose petals that probably have venereal disease.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Though you’re prone to chatter away for hours to fill the space of no one around — or no one paying quite enough attention to you? — this week will see you seeking out empty space whenever and wherever possible. Rest assured, by the time you want company again, you’ll be a lot more aware of what it is you really need in life. Which is to constantly be chattering away, since otherwise you go fuckin’ crazy.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
It seems like all you do is soul-searching these days, Aquarius — and do you actually find anything in there? Truth be told, you could probably take a break from all this heavy shit without throwing anything out of whack other than people’s natural tendency to be uncomfortable around you.

Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)
The sun shines on meek Pisces — which is good, as your dissatisfaction levels are at an all-time high. Possibly that night job reconciling bank deposits doesn’t actually offer you the breadth and depth of creativity you once thought you craved? Work through the pain of change — it’s time again.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
No reason to settle now, Aries. Life is short and you’ve only got so much time on this earth to catapult yourself from stride-hitting to leap-making. Try to think about this at least once or twice while you’re letting your self-destructive tendencies drag you under once again. Remember: tequila bars don’t actually increase your productivity.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Blowing it all on a chance to finally live in Vancouver/London/Dubai may sound good to you right now, Taurus, but you’re actually making the mistake of your life if you think you can do it without a whole lot of methamphetamines and a psychic reading.

GeminI (May 21-June 20)
Your comfort zone has been violated of late — whether it’s by relatives or clients or delivery people who don’t think you’re that funny. Rest assured, soon enough they will have all dispersed, leaving you only with shoeboxes full of memories and an inexplicable carpet stain.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Be ruthless — we all have to play by your rules anyway, so why not just take what you want? This week should be frustrating enough that you feel you have carte blanche to be even more petulant than usual, so hey, have fun with it.