Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Taurus has been tricking everyone into thinking she is mild-mannered of late. However, once you get her going on gender equity politics, boy is she a whirlwind of excitement and fervour! Maybe it’d be more fun just to get her drunk.

Famous Canadians born this week:
Belinda Stronach (politician, May 2)
Jane Jacobs (late urban planning guru, May 4)
Will Arnett (actor, May 5)
Naomi Klein (author, rabble-rouser, pictured May 5)
Martin Brodeur (hockey goalie, May 6)

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Romantic relations are deepening with some degree of promise for complex little Gemini. That your affections remain targeted at the weak and gullible is effective, at least, if not respect-worthy.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Things have hit a little bit of a lull for Cancer despite the swell of springtime all around you. Throwing a temper tantrum in the workplace — you remember how to wrongfully perceive a slight, right? — may be just the ticket toward the instability that makes you feel at home in the world.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
Your high expectations set the bar for everyone around you, Leo. If only they weren’t coupled inextricably with a sense of entitlement that makes you treat everyone else like they’ve disappointed you. They haven’t.
 
Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22)
I hope you are ready to thrive, Virgo, because despite what felt like setbacks at the onset of this epic spring, you are about to blow the fucking lid off of this shit. Whether that lid was the limitations you’ve been putting on yourself in terms of love and commitment, or whether it’s just your newfound willingness to crack out a pair of shorts, well — that depends.

Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22)
Libra has earned a reputation for being a little bit boring. This should all change with your sudden admission of involvement in an international porn ring. Well, maybe it’s not really a “ring” if it’s just you and your dad.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Desperate to play at extremes, Scorpio pushes her luck just a bit too far this week in a matter that combines both health and romance. Not to worry, however. Those rope burns are only exposed during certain specific tasks in the workplace, and not usually visible to customers.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Sagittarius makes an impression this week when he speaks as freely as ever on a subject that would be better left to experts. Or experts often consulted by the Weekly World News. Try to play it off like you were kidding, and see how that one goes.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
As usual for all aspects of Capricorn’s life, the beginning of May is a slow climb — a slow climb up the nerves of others this time, Capricorn. Is it possible that it’s finally time to admit your actions have a deep effect on, you know, those other people that live in your house?

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 19)
Despite your unmatchable skill at spinning your wheels at 40,000 rpm, you will never be ready for the emotional and climactic highs and lows of this spring and summer, Aquarius. That said, wearing a Speedo underneath your clothing at all times is not a terrible idea.

Pisces (Feb 20-March 20)
You have been selling yourself a bit short for a lifetime, Pisces, and this month you finally feel comfortable stepping up with the confidence you need to start that successful black metal/psych-themed bistro in Kensington Market. Its inevitable failure will send you into complete collapse, but, boy, will the grand opening party be fun!

Aries (March 21-April 19)
That hollow feeling isn’t actually your soul this week, Aries — it’s your bank account. Sometimes you gotta lay out, and lay out you have. Sadly, it’s been more OSAP than Cristal, but hey: maybe there’s a really hot girl out there that turns out to be allergic to booze and finds debt-free people totally sexy. Nah, probably not.