Cancer (June 21-July 22)
This week will call upon your deepest reserves of tolerance and optimism to deal with those around you who insist on derailing even the smallest moments of pleasure with their imbecility. Unfortunately these are the people throwing your birthday party.

Famous Canadian Cancers Born This Week:
Rohinton Mistry (author, July 3, pictured)
Peter Mansbridge (newscaster, July 6)
John Byrne (comic book artist, July 6)
Joe Sakic (hockey player, July 7)
Raffi (musician, July 8)

Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
Nurturing yourself with caring people — well, people who kiss your ass and love you unconditionally and rather foolishly — is exactly what you’ll need this week to get through one of the most undermining online character assassinations directed at you in, like, months.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Hit it, quit it, whatever. Just stop going on about it if you’re not going to actually do it. There are countless others at least as passably attractive as you that can be slotted into your position immediately if you’re going to continue to excel at this whole apathy racket.

Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Intimates and even those you share regular space with — workmates, roommates, cellmates — are driving you to distraction this week. But only because you can’t figure out if you’re gay for them.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Something about your bravado this week rings truer to people than usual, and for some reason all sorts of new and interesting favours are extended to you that might just allow you to discover your true talent. For, um, home pickling, apparently.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
So the spontaneous romantic getaway to the Big Nickel wasn’t a good idea after all. Surely you’ll find some other way to force that bond to stick somehow, even after others would have given up all hope. Perhaps “accidental” pregnancy?

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
You explained your viewpoint pretty credibly that one time — but without holding you to any indelible promises, it would be nice if you’d operate in any way consistent with what you once espoused as sacred. At least insofar as it concerns your beliefs about men in sandals.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 19)
Just because you take pleasure in calling people out on their need to be always right doesn’t necessarily mean you’re always right either. This week you’ll find out who’s more right: you or the friend who finally tells you you’re an asshole for this.

Pisces (Feb 20-March 20)
Make all the grand gestures you want, Pisces — none of them really matter much when you’re ducking your head back in the sand by daybreak. Well, actually, they do matter. But only by increasing your appeal through being frustratingly, tantalizingly elusive.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
A lot has been asked of you at home lately, Aries, including a lot of cleaning up after yourself, a lot of tending to other people’s emotional volatility and a truly frightening amount of murmuring “mm-hmm” while family members are talking. That’s OK, they aren’t talking to you, they’re just expressing their constant disappointment about you.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
It’s not like you’re actually boring, Taurus. It’s just that your stubborn little comfort zone is so constricted that your idea of adventuring beyond the mainstream is to, you know, order Sleeman’s instead of Molson.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
This is the week for Gemini to shine in shrewd dealings, tough negotiations and walk-away-from-the-table deals. Unfortunately you are quite lazy and will restrict this activity to dickering over bric-a-brac at yard sales.