Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
It’s a week of fulfillment for Virgo and Virgo’s fantasies, which can only effuse good feelings from friends across continents, as your charisma (the only thing saving you from a cattle prod to the ass most days) is nearly unrivalled in the universe. Revel in your successes, just don’t fuck this one up, alright?

Famous Canadian Virgos born this week:
Shania Twain (singer, Aug. 28)
Jason Priestley (actor, Aug. 28)
Paul Martin (former prime minister, Aug. 28)
Robertson Davies (late author, Aug. 28)
Yvonne de Carlo (Lily Munster actor, Sept. 1, pictured)
Keanu Reeves (actor, Sept. 2)

Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Libra should stand on her own two little feet this week, holding on tight and shoving aside the need to get validation or even a warm embrace from others. Though her intrinsic desire to build bridges seems altruistic, it’s actually born from a neediness that is totally getting in the way of finishing up that meaningless PowerPoint.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Scorps just might get what they wished for this holiday weekend — though it will turn out not to be exactly what they wanted, unless of course that was to feel emotionally violated, out of control and suddenly terrified of ants.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Free-spirited Sagittarius is taking some flak from the peanut gallery this week — but is already long out of earshot, onto the next pretty face and stylish microbrew. It’s not that you’re superficial, it’s just that you’re so deeply unhappy that distraction is the only way to go on.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Capricorn, you’ve built up some long-overdue confidence this month, with which you are well-armed to resume a stealthy regime of emotional manipulation towards those who love you best. Gather your strength now for when the turn toward fall leaves you bitter, lonely and incapacitated by ragweed allergy.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Saturday’s new moon encourages Aquarius to strike out — yes, her preference is to strike out by punching in the dick those who have hurt her — but really, isn’t it satisfaction enough just to be right all the time?

Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)
August ends simultaneously with the end of your hemming and hawing, as Pisces is forced into a corner where fear of failure dims in comparison to a life alone and unsatisfied. For those Pisceans living life together and unsatisfied, well, you can swing that for another six months.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Aries’ solution to crises that necessitate personal growth tends to be more of the new-haircut/burn-your-letters school of thought, but this week she’ll draw her loyal friends around her to suffer petty criticism that might make her feel a little more above them all.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
The last-ditch, what-have-I-got-to-lose feelings of summer’s end leave Taurus emboldened. Or was that randy? Whichever the root, you’re working it, and it’s working for you. Just try to remember that bug spray probably eats through condoms.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Gemini’s been a bit of a rabble-rouser lately, something that draws the attention you like but in a way you’re not used to deep down. And yet you like it! Just try not to get caught instigating the angry citizens’ beach mob over Labour Day weekend. (But nice work getting a good price on that bulldozer!)

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
It hasn’t been easy to stay on top lately, Cancer — of your self, that is. You’re usually able to stay a length ahead of the others, but only because they haven’t noticed your wobbly knees and crying jags. This week will reveal new strategies for keeping your mind on your money and your money flowing into the pockets of your extremely necessary therapist.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
Long considered to be the astrological sign most likely to start a cult, Leo has lesser aims this week and simply starts a blog, something designed to perhaps lure in attractive mates or get him into shows for free. This is a little like taking over the world, but much less likely to result in mass suicide.