I have been careful with my silicone dildo because I want him around for a while. I wash him according to instructions, use only water-based lube and put a condom on him when I share. Regarding this last bit of attention, I just recently found something out that I can’t believe I didn’t know or even just clue into: lubricated condoms are treated with silicone lubricant! I have yet to notice any damage but I wanted your opinion on the possibility for incremental damage. SITA

“Most condoms are lubricated with a silicone-water hybrid,” says Gill Lamon at Come As Your Are. The store did its own independent tests on some silicone dildos, leaving condoms on them for several days and they noticed no problem other than the fact that it was totally disgusting separating a gummy old condom from a dildo. It seems there is simply not enough silicone in these lubes to do any serious damage. Still, if you are concerned, you can use unlubricated condoms (but remember to use your own lube on it as breakage rates go up) or one with a water-based lubricant like the Kimono MicroThin with AquaLube.

LOOKING FOR DADDY?
My friend and I have had the same question about the correlation of promiscuity to lack of a father figure. Is there one? We have come to understand that we both feel no remorse about flirting with men of all ages, simply because we do not have the ability to link any man with the platonic relationships that daughters have with their fathers. Frack feels that she looks for security within relationships rather than the “touchy-feely mushy gushy” (she is presently seeing someone older). I am currently dating someone six years older than me and think it is going well, so far. Both men have the qualities of a lover and best friend yet we’re both sick of that nagging feeling raised by statistics that suggest fatherless women are more apt to be licentious and participate in sex at younger ages. FRICK AND FRACK

Sure, you can find statistics about women with an absent father figure being sexually precocious and subsequently promiscuous and naturally there are always exceptions to these studies. You’re reading one right now.

My biggest problem with all this is that studies observing sexuality often approach it from a sex-negative perspective, intending primarily to ferret out abuse or neglect, as though sex is inherently immoral and therefore all reasons for wanting it must be rooted in damage. In your case, the implication is that being a young slut and being attracted to older men is categorically wrong and a consequence of some mistreatment. How about instead congratulating yourself that despite the fact that you probably had little formal education around sexuality and likely whatever you did get was tinged in shame, you still manage to enjoy yourself and find partners that suit your needs?

Walking away
Eleven years ago my wife and I were fighting a lot so I decided to take a walk to cool off next to the water. While I was there a lady came by and stood 20 feet away and started to cry a bit. I asked her if there was anything that I could do and she replied “have a coffee,” so we walked to the nearest restaurant and sat down where she told me that she had an argument with her husband and that all they do is argue. I explained to her that I was in the same boat as her and that was the reason I was there.

Over the years, we have been meeting secretly, going for walks, movies, plays, concerts and so on and for the past two years we have been sleeping together. We both do not have relations with our spouses at all and there is no contact at all. We live with them and we are both very unhappy at home.

Debbie is 61 and I am 54 and we love each other and enjoy our time together — there is no fighting, yelling and calling each other stupid as we both have been called in the past. I love her very much and I want to spend the rest of my life with her and her with me but we both feel guilty regarding our spouses. We have both been through the marriage-counsellor part and it never worked. DESPERATE LOVER

You lose your doctor’s licence for malpractice. You lose your driver’s licence for reckless driving. The only reason some bureaucrat hasn’t yoinked your marriage licence away is because matrimony is not policed the same way. Desperate, you have already left your wife and she you. Debbie has also left her husband and he her. What else do you want me to tell you? Oh, here’s something: you’ve all probably got about another 25 years to live, 10 of those in diapers (maybe more, depending on your sexual interests). Bottom line: do you want someone who likes you changing your diapers or someone who hates you changing your diapers?
You have one go-round here and if guilt is the only thing stopping you from making it as joyful as possible… well, that is simply not a good enough reason. Guilt is a self-imposed, self-centred way of prohibiting change or self-improvement. It is cowardice dressed up as compassion. Look deeper. Perhaps you are really just concerned that making your affair official will subject it to a similar fate as your deceased marriages. 

EMAIL SASHA AT SASHA@EYEWEEKLY.COM OR SEND YOUR QUESTIONS TO SASHA C/O EYE WEEKLY, 625 CHURCH ST, 6TH FL, TORONTO, M4Y 2G1.