About two years ago, my family doctor diagnosed me with anorgasmia. When I was diagnosed I was with a steady boyfriend who was trying so hard to make me come and even studied the physiology of the vagina and talked to me about it. I tried guiding him and I was comfortable with him in bed. We were both surprised that I wasn’t able to come, and often I came so close. I only became aroused with oral and I would feel like I was about to come and then it was so intense for my clit that it became irritating and I wanted to stop. It’s like my brain didn’t disarm that extra clitoral notch.

Our guess was the effects of my antidepressants. I started on Celexa (and ended with Wellbutrin, a weaker medication) a few months before I was dating this boyfriend, and then I stopped taking the medication one year into the relationship. My research online on anti-depressants says they are known to inhibit orgasm and libido. I have always had a strong libido, it’s just the orgasm that I don’t experience. I’ve been off meds for two and half years now and still am not able to orgasm. Before I went on anti-depressants, I was only with one other partner and I never had an orgasm with him. It’s hard to tell if I could have had one because I wasn’t completely comfortable with my body at that point.

I’m 24 years old, a university graduate, I have sex appeal and I’m pretty relaxed in bed. I was inspired to re-try my vibrator recently, and I’ve never been so aroused in my life! I was about to come and then all of a sudden my clitoris was overly stimulated and hence, my body rejected the intensity and I needed to stop. It’s extremely frustrating. Plus, I’ve decided to start telling my lovers that I’ve never orgasmed before, but I realized some of them become selfish and don’t really try to make me come because they know it’s impossible.

Do you think it’s a combination of psychology, not finding the right partner, chemical imbalance (meds/genetic)? I’m also naturally anxious, which may have something to do with it. I made an appointment with my gyno to see if she could help me out. Two years ago my GP referred me to a sexual dysfunction clinic to seek therapy, but it’s too expensive for the moment. “Inhibited” Laura

I wouldn’t be surprised if the after-effects of anti-depressants combined with your anxiety are contributing to this maddening barricade, but I ain’t no doctor, so let’s try to find you one. Like anything free or subsidized, you will have to wait for treatment (up to a month in some cases).
In Ontario, if you see a sex therapist that is an MD, your treatment is covered by OHIP. Go to the Board of Examiners in Sex Therapy and Counselling in Ontario site (www.bestco.info/referral.htm) to find one who offers subsidized care. And since you already have an appointment to see your gyno, ask her to refer you to a gynecological specialist who specializes in sexual function and not just reproduction. You’ll also find resources on the Women’s Health Matters site (www.womenshealthmatters.ca/index.cfm), an initiative led by Women’s College Hospital. Keep your eyes peeled for issues that deal with sexual health on their Ask an Expert page and get on those discussion boards.

Sex therapist Rae Dolman also advises simply calling therapists to see if they offer a sliding scale for payments. When asked about books she recommends to women dealing with anorgasmia, she says Sex For One by Betty Dodson is a good place to start, even though she finds it a bit over-the-top. (I know what she means: Betty’s Bay Area sex vibe occasionally rubs this east coast gal the wrong way, too.) She suggests looking out for any orgasm-related workshops at Good For Her or Come As You Are. High anxiety is one thing that can definitely contribute to sexual dysfunction so she recommends that during sex, you should take the focus off of orgasm. Be in the moment so that arousal is able to build, making it about the journey, not the destination. Yep, I just wrapped up this answer on a Bay Area sex vibe note. Sorry, dude, but it’s true: we all need to calm the fuck down.

Hotdogs and hallways
I am getting pretty serious with a woman and we are discussing marriage. We are very sexually active, three to four times a day. Normally in a relationship I am premature or normal, but with her it takes over two hours to come and even then, I have to be in control. This happens because she is not tight enough. It just feels like nothing for me and I am not sure how to ask her to do some Kegels or try some vaginal cones. Sorry if this sounds rude, but this is something I need help with. Swimming in San Diego

Let the ability to communicate about sexuality with humour, self-deprecation and tact become a trend in all your intimate relationships. Here’s how I might raise this issue: “Perhaps you have noticed that it takes me a long time to come. I feel this may be because our genitals are slightly mismatched. Rather than me going through a pricey and excruciating enlargement surgery, how would you feel about chipping in for some Luna Balls or maybe just practicing Kegels?” You might also suggest doing Kegels together, ensuring that you both live longer lives as continent lovers.

I’m not saying this will guarantee averting a shitstorm. People tend to hear what they want and when it comes to sex they hear the worst, but they, too, need to develop a little humour and self-deprecation because being overly sensitive around sex is a sure guarantee you will be hurt.

Love Bits
For Amy, who’s looking to break into the escorting business, one resource I’ve found particularly illuminating lately is the link on Susannah Breslin’s website (reverse
cowgirlblog.blogspot.com) called “Letters from Working Girls.” Also, compulsive reading is the oft-unheard voice of the client, “Letters From Johns.” Breslin started these two anonymous blogs in January.

Email Sasha at sasha@eyeweekly.com or send your questions to Sasha c/o Eye Weekly, 625 Church St, 6th fl, Toronto, M4Y 2G1.