I am a semi-closeted mystic type — I hate the New Age tag, but I love crystals. I honestly find it incredibly soothing to hold them. I carry them in my pockets and often sleep with one under my pillow or clutched in my hand. It might sound soft, but I can feel the power. So, the other night, after smoking a j (what, this surprises you?), it occurred to me that I might enjoy sticking a crystal inside my vagina. And, you know what? I did, I enjoyed it very much. And it got me thinking: wouldn’t it be great to have a nice, big, smooth, crystal dildo made expressly for this purpose? I did some Googling, but I only found a couple of sites that seemed to carry such a thing and they were in the rather prohibitive range of $600 to $1,700. I realize this is a specialty item and it’s going to be costly, but I’m thinking there must be a broader range of options. I don’t want glass, pretty as those can be; ideally, I’d like one in rose quartz, to really maximize the loving vibrations. Maybe there’s a Stevie
Nicks–endorsed line out there I missed? Please advise. CRYSTAL GRAIL

I’ve been unable to find one in your price range. As hand-blown glass dildo maker Levi Belber says, “rose quartz is a stone. That means the toys would have to be carved out of a quartz block, sanded and polished to a high gloss. That would be quite time-consuming, and therefore expensive.”
Let me nevertheless provide you with a few warnings if you choose to splurge, because just as you are allergic to neo-paganism, I am allergic to sexual empowerment through luxury branding.

Shiri Zinn, who makes quartz crystal dildos that run thousands of dollars, has a philosophy. Her website blabs about challenging “the boundaries between what is deemed acceptable and unacceptable for public consumption, and question[ing] value judgments made by key influencers,” and wonders, “Why has it taken so long for objects destined for intimate and pleasurable use to incorporate quality, artistic design and superior manufacturing?” In short, she believes, “it is only through quality that we can challenge prejudices and preconceived notions about sexuality.”

I don’t know what that last bit means (fighting sexual intolerance through profligate spending?) but anyone who’s seen antique Asian dildos will tell you that people have been carefully crafting artsy sex toys for millennia. Zinn was also once quoted in the Observer, when discussing her fox-fur-tailed butt plug, as saying, “People won’t tell you this, but the most sensitive part of a woman’s body is not the clitoris, it’s the anus.” No, countered the piece’s no-nonsense author Anna Moore, “It’s the eyeball.” (And putting fur on or around anything that requires gobs of lube is idiotic.)

As well, be wary of companies that use the word crystal (implying quartz or high lead–bearing glass) interchangeably with clear glass, Lucite, acrylic or Pyrex. I spoke to Toronto gemologist Donald Mackay, who questions the safety of rose quartz — which can chip somewhat easily — as an insertable substance. “Even if it’s polished,” he says, “there are tiny cracks and crevices and the porosity of the material would make cleaning a problem.” While people worldwide have been using various porous stones to manufacture dildos for centuries, it’s just something to consider.

Kindly kinks

I recently met someone I am very serious about who has indicated a strong interest in a domination and submission relationship and sadism. He has been very clear that he gets aroused through causing (physical) pain (not emotional) and will not cross a line into harm. We have been talking a long time about this; he constantly checks in with me about how things feel for me, what issues I might have and where my boundaries are. He is a deeply spiritual man and is passionate about me never working against my own self-­interest. He is in no way pressuring me to proceed; he is willing to wait as long as it takes for me to be ready. He is quite experienced and well-read. I am strongly attracted to the role of a sub and/or slave. The D/S relationship we want is both inside and outside the bedroom.

There are some aspects to the sexual side (nipple clamps, for example) that scare me, and I thought it might help me to do some research about the relationship between pain and pleasure. I am especially interested in exploring the pain-pleasure relationship as a portal into spiritual and personal growth. Can you help? SUB BABY

One thing we need to be realistic about is that physical and emotional pain are often fundamentally intertwined and anyone who says they’re not with respect to S/M is either trying to alleviate a potential mate’s fear of being in a relationship with a psychopath or they’re inexperienced/irresponsible and their level of commitment may not match your intensifying needs. (I know the latter well, because I’m a reckless top — all spank and run.)

Very often when you play with someone this way, you hold their emotional state in your hands and many people will want to give it over wholeheartedly to achieve their own satisfaction — a lot of subs are looking for emotional and spiritual resolution or growth through this act. Obviously, the same can be said for topping, so it is excellent that your love interest is responsible and patient.
I would consider attending some S/M play parties — the one at Goodhandy’s sponsored by Northbound the first Saturday of every month, for example. There are lots of books by experienced players that deal with the topic, too. Have a look on the shelves at Come As You Are or Good For Her. Local online communities can be found at http://tinyurl.com/3eq73 or more specifically for women in Toronto at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/TorontoLeatherGrrlz/.

EMAIL SASHA AT SASHA@EYEWEEKLY.COM OR SEND YOUR QUESTIONS TO SASHA C/O EYE WEEKLY, 625 CHURCH ST, 6TH FL, TORONTO, M4Y 2G1.