Pisces (Feb 20-March 20)
Pisces, what the hell? Shake yourself out of it! You can only be your withdrawn, sardonically defeated self for so long — you can work and run the room if you want to, and for a change you really should. A sparkling green cardboard leprechaun hat isn’t even going to be necessary, unless you’re hoping to meet that special someone.



Aries (March 21-April 19)
Aries, this week is not strong. Deluged by guilt and responsibility and weak everywhere but in your will, you can make it through to the (imagined) lamb-like exit of March if you can just remember to check your voicemail often enough that it doesn’t fill up and you miss all those foreclosure notices.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Although you’d rather fight about it, Taurus, you’re coming around this week to the slow resignation that more peace and calm in your love life would actually be beneficial in the long term. At least inasmuch as you’ll save money on cover-up makeup from all those bruises you two keep giving each other.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Gemini has slipped back into her serious phase again this week, the other end of the swung-back pendulum from that life-of-the-party, agro-comedian you are the rest of the time. You don’t want to hear about happiness or parties or people who want to date you: you just want to hide out and be a big sucky baby and read The Walrus. Oh well. Call us all back when you’re fun again.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Matters in your “boring” sector (paperwork, money, insurance) flare up this week, making you both extremely guarded and tedious. Remember that it’s a totally appropriate response to all this adult bullshit to do something exceptionally immature like going snow-tubing while tripping on many, many hits of acid.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
Somehow, your ability to attract and charm everyone this week will provide the reverse thrusting ability for you to get all those people out of your way so you can actually get shit done. Unfortunately, some of those people you’ll remove from your way include the medical professionals you really need to be seeing daily.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22)
Although you don’t normally spend a lot of time wondering what everyone is saying about you, Virgo, this week they’re saying some really personal things. Like about your sex life, and how you could have one if you would get those mudflap girl tattoos removed from your biceps.

Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22)
Hold back, Libra. Hold back. You can be even more cautious and wishy-washy and reluctant and diplomatic and weirding-everybody-out than you normally are this week, and by all means you should make sure that you are that way, because your judgment right now is way, way, way off.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Though you’re normally all about what feels right in the moment for yourself, Scorpio, a sudden rush of responsibility to others’ feelings will grab hold of you this week. Conveniently, though, it will only grab you like one of those arcade Skill Claw machines, and your feelings of duty will slip away just as easily as a stuffed polka-dotted dinosaur prize.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Like a creature with extraordinarily freakish limbs, you’re overextended this week, Sagittarius. Only you’re not that creature, you’re fairly short, with probably shorter-than-average arms and legs, and you probably need to learn to say “no.”

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Sometimes, life brings periods of intense clarity. This is not one of them, but by the end of the week when you re-tally who your actual friends are after everything that’s happening is done happening, well, then you’ll be in one of those periods, if you’re still standing.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 19)
You’ll be at the peak of your game this week if you can keep from looking away from the horizon line. If the horizon line is still entirely hidden by large office buildings and/or four-metre snowdrifts, that’s going to make things considerably more difficult for you, however. Chin up!