I am a 31-year-old straight male who is fairly experienced with long-term relationships but much more experienced with being single. Single guy wants threesome — like what guy doesn’t? I’ve had a few experiences but definitely want more. Relationship threesomes are always awkward, and she never really wants to “share” her boyfriend, no matter what she says beforehand. I’m single and looking for that perfect threesome I had once when I was single, that went exactly the way I wanted. I don’t know where to start looking. I can’t go to a bar and approach some cute girl saying, “Hey, I’m looking to have a threesome with you and another girl.”?That’s just not going to work.
There are ads in the paper, but those look pretty dirty and scary. I would like to think I don’t need to pay for it, and hope to learn about where to go to find these things. You have mentioned “orgy parties” when you tell of your past experiences... are those through your friends or is it possible for me to check out an orgy party? I don’t know anybody like that, so I assume I’m shit out of luck. That isn’t exactly what I’m looking for anyway, but at least it’s closer to my dream than where I am now. I don’t know if I’m looking for an answer, more like advice. MAYBE

Nope, you’re looking for an answer. In fact, you’re looking for The Answer — no shit, there should be a book called Men Are Looking for The Answer, Women Are Looking for The Secret — The Question to which is “How do I get what is usually reserved for rock/rap/porn stars, Vice magazine owners and gay men?” The Description of which is when tequila shots are five for $10 at the Bifteck and the next thing you know you’re in a cab with the universe asleep at the wheel, wedged between a smirking blond with Crumb-ian thighs and this guy with a hee-yooge dick (not that size matters) and then 15 minutes later you’re all fucking each other’s brains out to Jon Spencer Blues Explosion’s Extra Width. No hard feelings, no bullshit and maybe just a hint of a urinary tract infection the next day to remind you of all the fun you had while you’re stripping for Habs execs, but nothing that a few cranberry and vodkas won’t clear up. You’ll forgive me if I’m a little sentimental, maybe, but that’s a cherished memory from my early days as Sasha and I am turning 40 tomorrow.

Here’s the thing about perfect sex: if you want it, you have to lay some groundwork. That’s why we use the word “lay” when we talk about things like foundation or groundwork. Get involved in activities that girls think are sexy, like music, art or money. It’s not too late for you to learn how to play guitar. My former superintendent has the media in an uproar at the moment with his new band and if he can do it, so can you. Be a “rebel.” Chicks love that shit. If you’re all like, “Fuck that noise, I want bitches to like me for who I am” then you can sit around with the rest of the civilian male population and wait for an accident to happen like two (non-dirty and un-scary?) girls drunkenly dancing into you at a bar and your dick falling into a pussy (or was it a purse? Oh well, too late, already updated your Facebook status!).

Here’s the other thing about perfect sex: it is a dangerous thing to covet. You get all fixated on a flawless, liability-free scene from your textbook-­erection youth (“Now touch the pillow! NO! Not like that, with your other finger, now say ‘velvet’ like you’re in a Scotch ad from the ’70s — oh, never mind, I lost my boner…”) and then you spend eternity aggrieved that it remains perpetually, purposefully even, out of your reach. What you may never fully grasp is that you stumbled by sheer dumb luck into that perfect threesome and looking at your dopey ideas about girlfriend threesomes, overtly desirous women and sex work, you didn’t even deserve it. (And yeah, you’re right, you shouldn’t pay for it because nothing is more annoying to hookers than a customer who moans the whole time about having to dole out for their service. Fuck, can you even imagine if every time someone sat down in a restaurant they insisted on seeing the chef so they could harangue them about how they could just as easily prepare their own meal at home?)

My advice? Expand your expectations yet be able to walk away from experiences like Alec Baldwin in the car crash in State and Main, saying, “So THAT happened!” Get a sense of humour and a little more respect for the beauty of memory and masturbation and if you want to check out a sex party, look for the nights where single gents are welcome at Goodhandy’s or Wicked. And for Chrissake, don’t use the term “orgy party.” There’s a pervy naivety to it that’s really off-putting.

Love Bits
Here’s the best thing that’s happened to drag since Avon came calling. Gaza Strip Club is a monthly shindig at Tallulah’s Cabaret in Buddies the second Friday of every month starting at 10pm. Is it avant-garde cabaret, amateur striptease, or just a bunch of hefty demireps from Khan Yunis modelling the 2001 spring line from the tween department at Walmart? Whatever, it’s not to be missed. Andrew Harwood hosts. $6 — outlandishly cheap on top of it.

Oh, and Carol Queen’s in town and of all the things this sex educator does, her erotica tops the list in my books. How nice, then, that she should be hosting a workshop at Come As You Are called How To Write (Erotic, Thoughtful & Realistic) Sex this Saturday (March 15). See www.comeasyouare.com for details.?

EMAIL SASHA AT SASHA@EYEWEEKLY.COM OR SEND YOUR QUESTIONS TO SASHA C/O EYE WEEKLY, 625 CHURCH ST, 6TH FL, TORONTO, M4Y 2G1.