Aries (March 21-April 19)
After a weeks-long stretch of saying the wrong thing in the right moments and doing the right thing in the wrong moments, you’ll finally square the nail and do the wrong thing at precisely the wrong time, which will at least confirm the low hopes everyone had for you to begin with and allow them to start moving on.

Famous Canadians born this week:
Rick Moranis (actor) Apr 18
Eric McCormack (actor) Apr 18
Hayden Christensen (actor, pictured) Apr 19
Lester B. Pearson (former prime minister, Nobel Laureate) Apr 23

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Your sign lights up with planetary influences and the blinding delusion of spring, Taurus, as you set the stage for a birthday of debauchery and mind games with you in the driver’s — rather than the hapless passenger’s — seat for a change. Sadly the vehicle is a rickshaw.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Gemini wears a veneer of mystery and intrigue this week, but it’s only because recent dental surgery has made you significantly less talkative and less able to eat nourishing food items.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Pluto in retrograde continues to influence your life in the areas of minute detail, Outlook calendar tinkering and changing your cellphone data plan. This would be a good time to open a business, invest in real estate, or just
bore the shit out of everyone around you.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
You feel as if you’re nearing the dream, Leo — nearing it like an out-of-control ferryboat about to clip the edge of the dock, perhaps. But, once you get a little sea spray on you, you should be ready to pull that motherfucker in exactly where you want it.
 
Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22)
Virgo will claim she doesn’t like suspense, but that’s only because she prefers to be on the side of generating it in others. This week will provide ample opportunity to sample the other side, when she becomes intimately obsessed with not just what one person is thinking, but the opinion of the entire Toronto Blue Jays relief pitching roster.

Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22)
If you thought the beginning of the year was hard to keep up with, the weekend will probably kill you, Libra, as the overlapping of past disappointments, currently flagging hope, out-of-town visitors and club drugs is going to make you pretty worn out.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
You can put your pretend shield and armour away for the next few days, Scorpio — those good things that appear to be working out secretly, truly, actually are. It seems hard to believe considering all the bad karma you’ve generated in the past year, but apparently some people just really like you anyway.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Sagittarian wheels are spinning fast: everything can be perfect, right? Even if you have to go to extreme measures to do it? Just remember: be as ambitious as you like, but there’s no cocktail hour in jail.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Capricorn is finally learning to simplify, making clear the boundaries between yes and no, relaxing and planning, obsessing and… oh, wait. This is Capricorn? Sorry. Carry on.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 19)
A little distance from the world — and yourself — proves epiphanous this week when you realize that instead of being an urban social butterfly, starting an experimental folk music cult based in Hawaii would really be so much easier than trying to sleep with your friends.

Pisces (Feb 20-March 20)
It looked for a minute like your fantasies were going to be dashed this week, Pisces — until you remembered you live in a fantasy world. With spring comes new hope for bringing others along into it with you (this is known as “tricking them”) or at least pretending they like you for the duration of a drink on a patio.