Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You’re feeling healthy and newly fuelled, Taurus, like a biodiesel car finally satiated in its thirst for used vegetable oil. Take these energies and use them to lift you through the next several days, which may be the most horrible of your life.

Famous Canadian Taureans born this month:
Chester Brown (cartoonist, May 16)
Howard Hampton (politician, May 17)
Dave Sim (cartoonist, May 17)
Chantal Kreviazuk (musician, May 18)
Dave Thomas (comedian/actor, May 20)

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
The full moon of the 20th inspires you, Gemini: try to accept this blessing by not holding yourself back. I mean, beyond the superficial stuff you pass off for openness — really don’t hold back. Just because you told everyone at the party about your venereal disease for laughs doesn’t mean you’re really getting close with them.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Cancer is going to have to accept that business will be done a little differently around here from now on. It’s not that others are giving you ultimatums — people are much more subtly manipulative than that. Let them push you a little bit now; you’ve actually got far more devious plans to retaliate emotionally.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
It’s impossible to settle on just one thing when you’re the ebullient, popular Leo. Life feels at its fullest right now, from the warm breezes to your ever-stacking bank account — but take time to remember that even in the throes of abundance and success, personal hygiene really is important.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22)
You’re feeling something itchy and unusually nice this week, Virgo — it’s a flush of happiness and connection unlike anything you’ve felt since you met that editorial assistant at the free-vodka party.

Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22)
In case you were having any problems with patience this week, the weather will offer you the easiest out of all: the patio, the afternoon beer and the total abandonment of reality just long enough to get you pushed to the panic point where you are actually super motivated at the last minute. I mean, living at the poles of extremity are a way of being balanced, if you just take an average.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Still heading up the hill, Scorpio? You’re near the top — or should I more accurately say, the avalanche-jostling point. Just watch yourself and watch your tongue this week, because the rocks you’re nudging ain’t gonna fall on anyone but yourself.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Sagittarius is tying down the hatches and fortifying right now, not because something big and ominous is actually about to happen, but because you are growing increasingly fearful of imaginary fire ants.
 
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Let them say what they will about your unusual system, Capricorn: it certainly works. Wandering from cause to cause and mood polarity to mood polarity is apparently a really effective way of being hyper-productive, especially when you’re feeling totally empty inside.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 19)
A door that’s recently closed did so apparently only to allow another window to open for you, Aquarius. Presumably you knew that and were already scoping around for potential new leads — you’re kind of an opportunist, remember? Just take a moment to dwell on why the last thing didn’t work out, so that in your next adventure you can alienate your supporters a little less rapidly.

Pisces (Feb 20-March 20)
Lie down on the job much, Pisces? Not the job job. The job of being a nice person, having your shit together, and so on? Unfortunately you can’t be technically fired at being yourself, so pretty much the only solution is for you to actually face your problems. Well, or get a pretty convincing excuse, like borderline personality disorder or gout.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Could Aries finally be coming around to the idea of accepting help? Or does she still need to be a hero? That’s no question a little slip-and-fall injury wouldn’t answer really fast, so slow the eff down before someone arranges such a thing for you.