The oral sex jam is to hip-hop and R&B what heartbreak is to Nashville country. But unlike most players in these genres, R. Kelly is all about returning the favour. It’s a slow news day, which gives us time to compare and contrast the two explicit oral-sex jams on R. Kelly’s Untitled, his ninth studio record, which drops today. Yes, this is what we do for a living. No, we don’t regret getting our Specialist in Cinema Studies.

Oral Sex Jam Number One: “Go Low”

Sexy Scenario: Your relationship with R. Kelly has progressed past the third date. Now it's time to remove your clothes and slug down Patron, as Kells er…

XXX WTF Lyric: “For instance you look like food, I wanna put you on my plate/ Suck you up with some biscuits and go on and eat you baby”

Absurd Metaphor: Oral sex as basketball game (R. Kelly as point guard in the fourth quarter of the game).

Female Friendly?: You betcha!

Result: An oral sex jam sure to join the canon of Lil' Kim’s “Eat My Pussy Right.”

Oral Sex Jam Number Two: “Whole Lotta Kisses”

Sexy Scenario: It’s like your knee got bruised and R. Kelly is willing to kiss it better. But it’s not your knee, it’s your vagina.

XXX WTF Lyric: “Tonight you are my master/ And I will be your slave/ Bury myself all in you/ As if you were my grave.”

Absurd Metaphor: None here, since Kells is pretty direct about what he’s after (i.e., “Girrrrlll, I want to kiss you in your private spot!!!”)

Female Friendly?: Uh, yeah!

Result: About as subtle L’il Wayne’s “Lollipop” and twice as sensual.


HOT CHIP GET A "LIFE"
Yes we’re part of the problem when a teaser track from a band’s upcoming album is the highlight of the day. But “One Life Stand,” the title track from Hot Chip’s forthcoming full length is worth the hype. Beginning with a baroque bass throb and lead singer Alexis Taylor’s imploring plea to be “your one life stand,” this is 2010’s “Over and Over” and it's only Dec. 1.