Rogen and Banks as Zack and Miri

From the moment when Seth Rogen applies a chemical hot packet to his nether regions and says, “I think I burnt my ball hair off,” it’s clear there’s only one direction for this movie to go. And hey, I’m totally behind Kevin Smith’s ambition to make a good smutty comedy, especially one that promises to contribute so much to the list of hilarious porn-movie titles, Smith having already made the all-time top five with the Clerks line about Come On Eileen. (Reigning champ: Sperms of Endearment.)

One indication that something’s gone awry is that Dawn of the Dick and Star Whores are the best Smith can offer here. Worse yet, there’s far more gooey sentimentality than cheerful vulgarity in Zack and Miri Make a Porno, Smith’s haphazard and mostly unfunny attempt to copy Judd Apatow’s blend of spooge, smirks and sweetness.

Rogen and Elizabeth Banks play platonic Pittsburgh pals who go hardcore to make some bucks but can’t cope when their onscreen sex has off-screen ramifications. Along for the ride are Banks’ fellow Apatow regular Craig Robinson, Smith repertory players like Jason Mewes and, of course, Traci Lords. Just as the f-bomb-laden dialogue elicits the occasional shocked guffaw, this gang’s Andy Hardy–like efforts to put on a show merits a few chuckles. The average Carry On movie — never mind Trey Parker’s similarly themed Orgazmo — displayed more class, sophistication and wit than Smith’s egregiously lazy and faux-risqué lame-assery. It just gets worse when Smith implores us to care about the feelings of Zack and Miri when Rogen has never been slobbier and Banks — once again the best thing in a bad movie — so clearly deserves to be in better company.