I recently got diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome. After a lifetime of fear, isolation and social incomprehension, I am finally in a position to relate to people and get things I want, one of those things being solving my little virginity problem. Thing is, after 34 years of just not thinking about it (beyond pornographic wank sessions that have nothing to do with real people), I don’t exactly know what I want and truly have no idea how to go about getting it. Just?went to sexsearch.com and made some tentative gestures, but I’m totally out of my depth and I’m afraid the more experienced people are?going to see right through me. I’ve been powerless so long I figure I’d like to be a little dominant, but who wants an inexperienced top? Or maybe I’m psyching myself out. If you could give me some tips on how to present myself, I would kiss your feet. In a totally dominant sort of way.
ASPIE MAKES THE HEART GROW FONDER

Good start, Aspie. You know how to flirt (sexy) and you have a sense of humour (double sexy). So then, about this lingering cherry of yours. Off the top, your timing, culturally speaking, couldn’t be better. Thanks to a spate of movies sexualizing geeks, social misfits and virgins, most of us know romantic inexperience and a bad haircut are no longer the kiss of death. And after all, if practice truly made perfect, I wouldn’t have a column, would I? We’re all floundering, even those of us who have been at it for years. Personally I learn something new almost every week that I write.

You can certainly be taught to handle a whip and that’s where workshops like So You Want to Be Kinky (held at Buddies in Bad Times on Jan. 23 at 7pm) come in handy. Not only will you have some veteran players giving out tips, you’ll also get a taste of the community, too. I’ll bet you the admission fee you’re not the only one with some variety of Asperger’s in attendance; it takes a special kind of brain to be preoccupied with intricate practices like Japanese rope bondage.

Check out some fetish parties, too. Northbound holds one at Goodhandy’s the first Saturday of every month. People into S/M, as I’ve said before, are generally very clear about their interests and are often happy to share in personal experiences — perhaps you’ve heard the term “bossy bottom”? Don’t be so anxious about your newbie status online, either. People who seem really terse or hardcore are often simply role-playing. You’d be surprised at how sweet S/M aficionados are and how keen they can be to help a newcomer in their midst.

I’m also going to share a portion of our private email exchange with readers, as Aspie suggested. I wrote Aspie and said I wished I could recommend a particular sex worker I know because I truly feel she would help work out nervous kinks in a compassionate and attentive way. Yet, unlike with therapists, I enter nebulous legal terrain (never mind the infighting it would cause) by giving out a hooker’s professional details. Aspie replied, “I thought long and hard about going to a sex worker to end this curiosity, but I somehow think it might be a bad idea. Going to a pro might get me off, but it won’t teach me anything and it won’t give me any clues as to how to relate to a partner who wants to be there and has her own desires.” I’m wondering if any sex workers or clients who read this are interested in commenting.

That half-empty feeling
I’ve found myself in a very unoriginal, but nonetheless pressing situation. I’m dating a great guy, he is one in a million, it’s getting very serious and I know I am lucky to have him. His small penis, however, is a big problem. I don’t think he will agree to have it surgically enlarged. The other option seems to be to have my needs taken care of elsewhere, but an open relationship is definitely out of the question. We’ve discussed it. I’m not overly enthusiastic about signing up for a life of deceit, and he definitely deserves better than being continuously cheated on. I’m at my wits’ end about being with a dream guy who cannot fuck the daylights out of me to save his life and, at least once in a while, I do need that. DILEMMA

Dilemma, the real issue here is not that you are dating a great guy with a small dick but that this great guy with a small dick is dating someone who says things like “I don’t think he’ll agree to get it surgically enlarged” so flippantly. This crass remark alone was enough for me to lift the size moratorium I imposed here a couple of years ago.

I get that dick size is important to some people and that’s fine, but it’s a pretty random genetic thing, just like being thin or brunette or freckled. So if random genetic things are important to you, you should be staunchly prepared to address them in practical ways. One is to take responsibility for your needs and make it clear from the outset that a big dick is vital to you. Worried that this will make you seem shallow? Well, if it’s any consolation, it used to drive me nuts when I was online dating and people would say weight wasn’t an issue for them when it clearly was. Just say “no fatties,” or in your case, “big dick please” on your profile and quit wasting everyone’s time.

You can also choose to stop seeing the dick as the only item available to roger you rigid. Have the man fist you. That’ll fuck the daylights out of you so hard you’ll feel like you’re in a Finnish winter. Get a big fat dildo and have a go at that. Afraid to hurt his feelings? Now or later, honey, it’s up to you. Because it’s one thing to know you’re lucky, it’s another thing altogether to feel and act like you are.

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