Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 19)
Though you’ve unwittingly mastered the art of being an open book, you’ll want to play things close to the vest this week, Aquarius — something’s drawing to a resolution, but it’d be just like you to blow it by squawking about those chicken nuggets before they’re breaded. Keep it cool, freakshow.

Famous Canadians born this week:
Wayne Gretzky (hockey player, Jan. 26)
Mordecai Richler (author, Jan. 27)
Paul Henderson (Scored “The Goal,” Jan. 28)
Sarah McLachlan (musician, Jan. 28, pictured)
Alexander Mackenzie (second prime minister of Canada, Jan. 28)

Pisces (Feb 20-March 20)
Where did Pisces go — is that you, crawling back into your shell like a wee little turtle? Ah, yes, it’s that time of year again (meaning any time of year for Pisces that isn’t an anomaly). You may as well stay in there, as Mercury going retrograde on the 28th isn’t going to make this life that already frightens you any easier.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Time to stop fucking and start working, Aries — it’s time for a winter cleanse of your priorities, as well as your dirty mind. No cutting corners by trying to combine your ideas in the sex trade. The thing is, you’re not actually very good at it.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Your moment is upon you, Taurus. Admittedly it’s upon you like an over-affectionate cat, scratchy tongue and all, but there it is. You’re willing to throw yourself wholeheartedly into a romance that matters — the fact that your new boyfriend lives in Salmon Arm is only a minor inconvenience.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
It’s not that Gemini needs to be in the limelight, per se, it’s just that you’re the most interesting person in the room. Luckily the fact that you are terribly entertaining will go a long way towards masking your growing inner rage for everyone you call your friends.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Time to strap those blinders on firmly, Cancer. Now is not the time to look back, nor to the sides either, because, frankly, you’re both easily distracted and easily emotionally derailed. Luckily since you are a quarter horse, blinders look totally cute on you.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
This week insists on trust and patience, whether it’s in waiting for your slacker boyfriend to finally shave or just putting the last details on that contract for selling your baby, you’re just going to have to sit back and let the universe solve your problems in its own time.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22)
Though peppermint lattes may still be on the menu, Virgo, it’s important to take stock of your health and stop living like such a slovenly pig. Just because you have three years’ worth of hand-knit bulky woolen ponchos to hide behind doesn’t mean that Toronto winter requires you to act like a hibernating squirrel.

Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22)
Pluto is the one thing that will throw you out of balance, Libra, and out of balance you are, for sure, this week, tipping to the side of moody and unconsolable like a middle school–girl pre-Effexor. Try not to interpret the cosmic tip as a sign that you should leave your family, friends and houseplants for safer havens: they do not exist.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
You’ve always managed to attract people like a lint roller, Scorpio, and late January will prove no different from the last several years of your life in being fulfilling, socially confusing and unbelievably full of lint.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Your prowess at inspiring people to throw faith and money at outlandish ideas is resonating widely this week, Sagittarius, as you’ve just about convinced folks to help bankroll your all-season Canadian sno-cone stand. It must be nice to know you are this charming. Try not to spend all the seed money on decorating the place like an igloo, though — it’s racially insensitive.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Pluto has begun transiting your sign like a giant cartoon dog, clumsily knocking your feelings around and changing your world view in ways that you won’t realize for years. A decade from now, you’ll realize you actually had it all figured out and just sat in indecision instead.

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