Is there any real truth to the notion that if the husband (in my case, me) in a marriage?does half or more of the housework then the wife will be more into sex, and even initiate it more often? In one case, I spent four months at home, on paternity leave with our toddler. Later on, I dedicated two months going beyond 50 per cent plus one.

My wife was appreciative but not sexually, even though she often pointed out the workload imbalance. Instead, she had more time to catch up on professional reading (she’s a doctor), and more time to work. Our sex didn’t really improve.

Is it true that couples in the busy years (kids, work, etc.) have so many competing obligations that merely reducing the amount of housework the woman does has no effect on the amount of sex a couple has?

I question the merit of keeping the house to my wife’s standards, rather than my own, for the specific carrot dangled that more housework by men equals wives more sexually active with them. What is really going on with all the pop-culture talk (particularly in men’s health magazines) that more housework equals more sex?? The more I think about it, the more demeaning it seems. CLEANED OUT

You are correct in noting that there has been some attention paid to the issue of men getting more involved in the housework and how women show their appreciation of that with blow jobs. Let us not forget, though, that men’s magazines, like all magazines, exist first and foremost to make money and one of the easiest ways to make money off men (and women for that matter) is to offer them what appear to be tacitly uncomplicated ways of getting more sex.

There is also a great deal of difference between a man readily doing something to take a load off you when you’re overworked and a man keeping a fanatical ledger of all the chores he does in order to get his joint greased. Why does it take the promise of sex to pick up the vacuum cleaner? And if your wife were doing this work, would you consider it demeaning to her? Additionally, when a man is a stay-at-home dad it’s often because his partner is working outside of the home. Taking care of the child and housework is his job. It’s not his wife’s job to pay him in sex for doing his job. It is also odd that you should describe housework as debasing since you seem to approach your wife like she’s an appliance — applying particular rules in order to get particular results.

Has it occurred to you that talking to her in the company of a qualified couples counsellor might provide some answers? If it is true that certain activities take precedence over sex in the busy years then talking about it openly shouldn’t be so arduous. It boggles my mind that people can be married for so many years, have children together and share complex financial responsibilities and yet they cannot talk sensibly about sexual disinterest.

Cleaned Out, learn to talk to your wife. When you are able to see the humanity in your partner, that she is not simply withholding sex to humiliate or deprive you but that there is actually something going on in her that she’s unable to open up about, then you’ll be able to deal with this properly. I’m not guaranteeing any sex but it will allow you to make some decisions based on real facts, not incomplete statistics collected from magazines.


PUTTING YOUR ASS ON THE LINE
I’m a 28-year-old gay male who has a very active sex life. I would call myself a bottom because I love bottoming but I find myself in a bind. Most of the time I have bottomed, I was always high on chemicals and poppers. I find that it hurts a lot when I bottom and I need these enhancers for me to really enjoy myself. I’ve tried bottoming without them but I always have to stop after five minutes because it hurts.?I want to get poppers and chemicals out of my system but how do I enjoy being a bottom without feeling the pain? TIGHT BUBBLE BOTTOM

The fact is, Bubble, you’re doing a lot more harm to your ass dulling the pain with drugs than not. You’ve made a good decision to start bottoming sober. Your equipment will last a lot longer for one (lord only knows what important messages your precious sphincter has been shrieking at you that have gone ignored). If you’re fucking primarily when you’re high, what that says to me is that you’re having a lot of verbally uncommunicative sex and fronting as boundary-free. Learning to be present when you’re getting laid can really enhance and prolong the experience. Jack Morin’s Anal Pleasure and Health or Bill Brent’s Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Men are two reading options to get you started.

  You deserve to have pain-free anal sex on your terms. Just because you’re a bitch, doesn’t mean you can’t have rules.

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