I am 43 and I have never penetrated a woman. I noticed that I was “abnormal” during my “first base” at the age of 28. I actually didn’t feel anything but disgust. I thought it was because of the bad taste of the girl’s saliva. But further experiences told me that all the female mouths had the same taste. The most terrible experience was the sight of the genitals of a woman when I was 30. I was extremely disappointed by the ugliness of this part of the female body. All in all I had four “sexual” experiences in my life. Each time I just felt disgust and had no arousal at all. Perhaps I am condemned to live with a normal sexual drive and the psychological impossibility to fulfill it. Am I asexual? FRED

I’m curious to know what you expected the female genitalia to look like, because I get the impression that even if you pulled someone’s undies down and there was a bowl of ice cream between their legs, you’d be disappointed. From what I understand, you want to have sex with someone (though “in” may seem a more apt preposition), yet women’s sexual attributes fill you with hostile revulsion. This doesn’t make you asexual; it makes you a very particular type of faggot. I’m picturing an ascot, pursed lips, a cunning daub of eye makeup and the word “tuna” coughed at me as I walk past the bar formerly known as Sneakers. I think it’s best for everyone involved that you refrain from girls until you get yourself sorted out. Nobody likes having their vulva retched on.
Maybe I’m stating the apparent, but has homosexuality not presented itself as an option to you? Or how about a non-genital/gender specific fetish? It’s time you did some investigating on www.sexuality.org. By all means have a gander at www.asexuality.org, too. Though I certainly respect asexuality, I could have a field day with some of the media coverage, beginning with the fact that it seems less radical to people that someone would not want to have sex at all than that they’d have sex with an armpit, but you’ll find some good resources on this site.

Diva feva
I would like to know where I can purchase a Diva Cup. BEATRICE
?
What an excellent question, Beatrice. I haven’t ranted about this product for almost three months and, on top of that, I left mine in Toronto when I jumped on a plane to visit my nephews. So it’s nice to know that you’ll be offsetting my tampon footprint, at least. The Diva Cup is available at Good For Her (175 Harbord, $43.95), as well as at health food shops like the Big Carrot (348 Danforth, $39.99) and Sunshine Natural Foods (942 College, $39.99). Qi Natural Food (710 Bloor W.) offers the best deal I’ve found in Toronto at $32.99, though Andrew, who owns Sunshine, heard of Qi’s outrageous deal and says if you live in the neighbourhood (bring in a bill with your address), he’d be happy to knock a couple of bucks off the price.

Folk remedy
You could label me the cynical, nearly-50 dad — folk singer, balding and with a long beard, also unable to really control the chubby factor — even though I try to love myself just as I am, in spite of the societal stigmas (i.e. the fat-phobia). I don’t even know how to phrase the question: how can I make myself sexual and lovable again, even to my wife? I certainly don’t expect an easy answer. ARG

Excellent, because apart from suggesting you immerse yourself in the bear world, where your big fat hairy looks would instantly make you a big man on campus, I only wish I had a foolproof solution for maintaining attractiveness. Think about it: if people who sell bogus erotic potions can become unimaginably wealthy, consider what compensation awaits the person with the key to eternal charisma.

A couple of questions: how impractical, how mean, really, is it that another person’s attraction is the device we choose to measure our own attractiveness? Really, the only person you have control over in this equation is yourself and if you are with someone who has become indifferent to your allure, and likely to their own frustration as well, then what the hell do you want anyone to do about that? What we know most about attraction is that it is fickle as fuck, suggesting that the most logical and humane approach to it is amour-propre. Self-love: it’s yours for the taking. And it’s an awfully attractive quality to boot.

Love Bits
Rock ’n’ Roll Geishas (www.rocknrollgeishas.com) went to all the trouble of having their site up at press time a few weeks back only to find their billing company (Hughes) suddenly refusing to do business with rough trade. “I’m learning just how not-fun porn is when it comes to having companies support you,” says Jezebelle. Paypal is another billing company that stopped processing adult business about four years ago, citing massive chargebacks. For many small mons-and-pop companies, the internet is the most convenient and profitable way of promoting and growing their businesses, so it sucks that they have to deal with this shit. Jezebelle says as soon as they find someone else to handle their billing, they’ll let us know.

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