Aries (March 21-April 19)
Here’s a concept foreign to most Aries: slowing down. The planets urge you to do so this week, if only to have time to step back and actually become involved in your own life for once. You’ll find it’s actually quite interesting, even for someone whose defences are totally up all the time.

Famous Canadian Aries born this week:
Karen Kain (ballerina, March 28)
Céline Dion (singer, March 30, pictured)
Gordie Howe (hockey player, March 31)

 

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
I know you don’t want to hear this, Taurus, but you were wrong. Not just off base, but really pretty well away from the mark in general. At least this terrible error in judgment has taken place in the sphere of your emotional and spiritual well-being however, rather than in the financial and status realms that you actually care about.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
In no sense of the metaphor is March going out like a lamb for wee Gemini — your mind is basically constantly exploding with possibility and openings for change, opportunity, hot sex. Grab hold of your senses for a minute and try to remember that you can’t do this alone — so grab someone really gullible whose needs you can steamroll over to be your sidekick in this new adventurous time of your life.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
It hasn’t been the smoothest month for Cancer, but isn’t that how you like it, restless one? It’s slowly turning to spring and, as such, some clouds will part briefly this week to allow just enough time for your hopes and dreams to be lifted up to the clouds. And then brutally dashed like those of so many Canadian character actors who came before you.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
Remember that secret (possibly metaphorical) child you have that you only write emails to every few weeks and kind of forget to pay child support to periodically? That relationship will intensify — and real bonds will emerge — this week, when you finally get let go by your (also possibly metaphorical) inappropriately young lover and decide to seek out your identity again through a narcissistic projection onto your offspring.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22)
If you can stop going over and over the numbers, you’ll find a little room for opportunity to knock this week, Virgo. Please note that the sound of opportunity knocking is actually not the clang of the knife-sharpening truck driving by. For god’s sake, there is more to life than skating and cleaving meat.

Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22)
People have placed their trust in you and on you like a 400-tonne weight, Libra, but you should take this to heart and find it flattering. After all, no one else will handle the legal inquiries with quite the dexterity and aplomb as you will.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Scorpio, you’ve found that actually sharing your pleasures with others is too complicated — someone always manages to sap the best elements of your happiness and turn them into fodder for wacky party stories. The good thing is that no one invites you to those parties.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
It’s not in your nature to stab people in the back, Sagittarius. You usually just hit them directly between the eyes. This week you’ll be tempted to do both, however, as a state of complete panic sets in, and you’re off your game on even how to properly betray someone.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Capricorn feels a little put-upon this week, but it’s all part of the universe’s master plan to make the rest of the year, which should be mediocre at best, look at least kinda easy.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 19)
Taking some time this month to listen rather than talk has yielded closer bonds and more interesting interpersonal dynamics than you could have imagined on your own, Aquarius. Unfortunately you’ll probably wreck all that with your April Fool’s gag and all of that maple syrup.

Pisces (Feb 20-March 20)
Pisces’ role in his own life is even less dynamic than usual this week as Uranus continues to meddle passive-aggressively in events, much like his supposedly supportive but deeply jealous romantic partner is doing right now via Facebook.

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