Aries (March 21-April 19)
Structural changes in Aries seem frightening at first — especially once you see the cost of the prosthesis — but will ultimately open up what will be your best month so far, one in which you turn all of your anxiety into financial power and all of your creative ambition into composing the hottest booty jams of the year.

Famous Canadian Aries born this week:
Mary Pickford (actress, co-founder of United Artists) April 8
Jacques Villeneuve (race-car driver, pictured) April 9

 

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You’ve been self-limiting for long enough, Taurus. When you finally take stock of the futility of your situation — your exams are meaningless, your romantic relationship a figment of your mind — you’ll realize that it’s only because of your own dimmed image of your own success. Crank that attitude up, dude. No one else is gonna do it for you.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Gemini may not be getting happier, but at least she is getting richer. Without telling you to count your chickens before they’re hatched, it’s safe to say you’re going to end the week with significantly more chickens than you began with. Try not to spend them all on high-end call girls.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Cancer! The budding spring plays tricks on your psyche like a low-rent birthday-party magician. Don’t despair — one of its tricks will be to put the weather back to cold and sleety and shitty just in time to match your mood’s systematic downswing.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
You’re a social connector, instigator and dominator, Leo. But that 80-kilometre lakeshore bike ride you suggested to celebrate spring is a little premature. It will, however, be a useful weeder to determine all the true friends who can actually tolerate how crazy you are.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22)
You’ll never get up to speed in time to heed the stars’ advice, Virgo, but you should be strategizing plans B, C and D as swiftly as your deliberating and paralyzed ass can get into gear. This warning comes months in advance, so I figure that should be enough lead time for you to at least get partway through considering plan B.

Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22)
Though spring may seem like just the right time to start cheating on your girlfriend, Libra, it’s only so good of an idea, unless you are hoping to drag out your decision-making process for the next four to six excruciating months. At least your creative side will really flourish when you start having to lie daily.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Scorpio finds stability this week immersing herself fully in the psychedelic, codependent and exceedingly sexy head trip of someone else. This is a marginal improvement over the paranoid, pathologically needy and still somewhat erotic head trip she usually achieves every day on her own by 10:30am.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Sagittarius, it’s time to speak your mind about what you think is unfair treatment around these parts. Actually, scratch that. It was time for you to speak your mind about three weeks ago, and now things have pretty much already hit the fan. Luckily you’ll find a way to see the bright side, even from the other end of the sexist-hiring-practices lawsuit.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
The non-materialistic, pure-hearted dream you’ve been waiting years to pursue, but haven’t been able to put a name to, is finally taking shape all around you, Capricorn. If your stability and ambition could sync up with that, you’d have it made in the shade. Or at least in the snow. Or kind of drizzly sleet-stuff.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 19)
It’s exceedingly hard to surprise Aquarius, but boy won’t you be startled this week when you’re suddenly foster parent to a whole lot of animals you didn’t even realize were legal to have in a residential property in Ontario.

Pisces (Feb 20-March 20)
What seemed like a bloom of inspiration and productivity in recent weeks turns out to have only been a passing blush, Pisces. That’s OK, though — those spreadsheets you were being all innovative and artistic with were only so interesting anyway. 

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