An adaptation of the kids potboiler by Dyan Sheldon, Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen follows the adventures of hi-skooler Lola Cep (Freaky Friday's Lindsay Lohan), a bratty aspirant luvvie with dreams of becoming the next Audrey Hepburn -- although Pia Zadora would be more realistic.

The story begins after Lola's parents' divorce, as her family relocates from rich, white Upper East Side Manhattan to the suburban hell of rich, white Dellwood, New Jersey. Despite Lola's misgivings about moving so far from Broadway and 42nd, she quickly settles herself, making friends with an obligatory ugly sidekick, Ella (Alison Pill), and making enemies with an obligatory high school bitch queen, Carla (Megan Fox).

Well, so far, so Disney: there's plenty of bright colours and pop songs to entertain the kids, and enough montages of Lohan and Pill in busty t-shirts keep the dads from snoozing. Still, even the most Ritalin-drugged of youngsters should experience an odd cognitive dissonance here. We're meant to cheer Lola on, the eternal underdog in a strange and brutal new world -- high school -- but she's clearly as much of an insufferable, privileged ass as Carla, her rival-in-drama-queenosity.

Lola enjoys a lifestyle the average Seventeen reader can only wet-dream of: a wealthy hippy mom (Glenne Headly), a boyband-esque boyfriend with a vintage sports car (Eli Marienthal), and a Narnia-sized wardrobe of trendy electroclash gear. Within the first 20 minutes, she's even landed the leading part in her high school production of Pygmalion (modernized in bafflingly non-ironic fashion as a hip-hop musical, Eliza Rocks).

It's like watching a re-cut version of Election, where Reese Witherspoon is the hero. If this were a 1980s movie, it would finish with Pill pushing Lola into a swimming pool, or driving her into a truck of manure -- a happy ending for everyone concerned. Instead, those indiginities are heaped upon Carla, who ends up getting dunked in fountain for daring to be only slightly more irritating than the lead character.

Business isn't helped by a wooden leading performance from Lohan, who, when the lighting is good, resembles Frankie Muniz in a blonde wig. As was the case with Freaky Friday, she's out-maneuvered at every moment by her co-star -- not Jamie Lee Curtis this time, but Pill as the gawky Ella, dominating the proceedings throughout despite her put-upon second-banana status.

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