Taurus (April 20-May 20)
A major situation in your life is coming to a head this week, like the big atrocious zit you developed moments after finishing a plate of poutine. You should be able to turn this crisis point to your advantage, however, when you can swoop right in on the territory of someone you dislike just enough to not feel guilty about it.

Famous Canadian Born this week:
Paul Gross (Actor, April 30)

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
As much as you cultivate that “so incredibly comfortable I’m actually making you uncomfortable” vibe for social situations, your abilities will be challenged this weekend when you meet a hot girl with even more conversational phobias than you. Hint: you can start by remembering her name.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Your long crawl towards becoming that cold, unfeeling person who can no longer be hurt by anyone else comes close to being realized this week when you finally find someone weak enough to practice on. Sadly, it could be your newly discovered birth mother or a similarly fragile family member.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
A new career opportunity comes your way this week, but you might consider whether or not the field of bulk organic pet food truly offers you the cultural cachet and social capital you need to get laid by anyone other than high-school kids.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22)
April cuts out quickly, but on an up note for Virgo, who has finally forgiven herself for all those times she didn’t seal the deal when it was time to close. It turns out you actually had an STI, so it’s really for the best.

Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22)
Just because you think you are the fairest person you know doesn’t mean you can actually go it alone: part of the bargain is you have to work with others, even if they are chemically imbalanced alcoholic lying liars.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Your competitive side is a little hard to rein in this week when the successes of those around you begin to tower large. However, you really shouldn’t feel that inadequate for not being honoured for the best Flickr photographs of a pillow fight.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Loose ends don’t feel like loose ends to optimistic Sagittarius: instead they feel like spring-feverish sinewy tentacles of hope and sexual promise. However, they are not.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Everything you’ve done that you’ve considered a “mistake” up to this point is actually going to be extremely useful in figuring out who you really are inside, Capricorn. At least who you are inside before the cognitive-behaviour therapy and shock-treatment regime really takes hold.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 19)
It has been a month of labours, Aquarius, but there’s nothing laborious about that sweet moment where things start to make sense, and you put your defences down like a blanket on the beach. You should really, really enjoy those three or four minutes before shit falls apart.

Pisces (Feb 20-March 20)
Pisces has taken things a bit far of late, but it’s nothing you can’t handle with a little avoidance and finesse. The next several days will be progressively easier, promise, even to you sensitive types and even those Pisceans who forget to do their taxes.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
April closes gently for Aries, as with many other signs — and yet it’s you who’ve done the most hard work, slaving and sacrificing, complaining and self-aggrandizing, in order to get to this point of hard-earned relaxation. Love and goodness are yours, so long as you stay away from that chick with the meth relapse.

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