Near the end of this slumber-party-gone-stupid tween comedy, there's a scene in which the four girlfriends are in peril as the treehouse they're in comes crashing to the ground. It was all I could do to keep from screaming, "Die, little bitches, die!" A family movie should not do that to a person. But when the alleged heroine of your film (Spy Kids' Alexa Vega) is actually a worse hag than her feathered blonde nemesis; when the girls' all-night scavenger hunt includes both a date arranged through a "police-approved" singles website (lest the film be accused of helping teens hook up with perverts) and Vega in a wet, tight dress watching her hunky crush disrobe (lest the perverts who come to see this film leave disappointed); when every scene comes with its own theme song and product placement; and when even The Daily Show's Steve Carrell appears and isn't the least bit funny, the kid gloves come off. Sleepover is skull-crushingly bad. If your little sister or daughter or niece asks you to take her to it, enroll her immediately in a military school in Alaska. It would be a kindness.

When we meet the heroine-hag Julie, she and her girlfriends have just graduated from junior high and are planning a sleepover at Julie's house that night. Toenail polishing and dancing around to The Spice Girls (I kid you not) ensue. Suddenly the feathered blonde (Sara Paxton) crashes their party and challenges them to a scavenger hunt, the winner of which gets to sit in the prime lunch-eating spot in high school. Why the popular chick would give up a spot she's already assured is beside the point. Off the girls go — to the mall, to a nightclub where they spy Julie's mom (Best in Show's Jane Lynch, currently cashing her paycheque in hell), to the home of Julie's crush, and finally to the high school dance, where Julie sees her fat friend dancing with a fat guy and sighs, "I guess there's someone for everybody … except me." Where the hell is Carrie when you need her?

Email us at: LETTERS@EYEWEEKLY.COM or send your questions to EYEWEEKLY.COM
625 Church St, 6th Floor, Toronto M4Y 2G1