SOMETHING TO READ, NOT INCLUDING CROCHETED PENISES THIS TIME  TeaTime, the new book by Toronto illustrator Stef Lenk, gets its official release next Monday evening (June 30) at the Embassy Bar in Kensington Market. Lenk's work has previously appeared in Shameless, Kiss Machine, and Eye Weekly — although you may best remember her from the time she got into a spot of bother at York University, when she and fellow artist Shannon Gerard had their harmless display of crocheted penises and boobs taken down from the campus bookstore, after a complaint from a YorkU professor.

Lenk thinks her new book ("An allegorical fairy tale informed by functions of the human anatomy") might also prove something of a puzzler. "There are no words," she says. "But if you find the story too inscrutable to follow, you can drink with me until it all becomes clear." A few days ago, Lenk also found out that the Xeric Foundation, a charitable group for comics illustrators established by Peter Laird — creator of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles — had agreed to fund the production costs for her book. "I've started drinking now," she says, "and should be in good form for Monday."

 SOMEWHERE TO RIDE A WHEELCHAIR ON THE BEACH, AS LONG AS THERE'S NO MORE THAN TWO OF YOU  The City of Toronto's Parks and Recreation department is launching two new rides this month. For the first time, it's making three beaches — Woodbine, Ashbridge's Bay and Kew-Balmy — accessible to people with disabilities, by having two special beach wheelchairs available for free short-term loan at each of the sites. According to the P&R dept's website, the chairs will have "large balloon tires, allowing easy movement over dry or wet sand and along the water's edge." They also come equipped with an umbrella. You can reserve a chair up to 24 hours in advance by calling 416-392-7688. Here's the location of the beaches.

The second ride sounds somewhat less useful. Later today, Parks and Recreation will be teaming up with the Delta Chelsea hotel to launch a new surf-themed amusment park ride at Manitou Beach on Toronto Island. An "exclusive" press tour left the hotel this morning at 9:45am for a first try-out, and if Toronto Notes can make it out of bed and wash his underwear in time, we'll report back tommorow.

 SOMETHING TO BE MILDLY ANXIOUS ABOUT  It's summer, the weather's fine, and all the boys and girls are twitterpating. So what better way to spend your sexy summer's eve than watching a free documentary about the world's deadliest radioactive accident? Presented by Planet in Focus as part of their "Mixed Greens" monthly screenings project, The Battle of Chernobyl is being screened at the Gardiner Museum (111 Queen's Park) on Friday at 6:45pm. And if the film — made in 2006 by French documentarian Thomas Johnson — doesn't seem that topical to you, consider the latest news about the plans for two new nuclear reactors in Darlington. And while you're at it, why not check out Greenpeace Canada's new website, 30km? 30km, incidentally, is the area that had to be evacuated around Chernobyl after the power plant accident in 1986. It's also the rough distance between Pickering nuclear plant and downtown Toronto. Watch out for more info on 30km and Pickering at Toronto Notes in the weeks to come.

SOMETHING TO AVOID Mike Myers claims his comeback comedy The Love Guru is a love-letter to the GTA, as well as a tribute to his close friend, the Huffington Post columnist and new age carnival huckster Deepak Chopra. Well, whatever love Myers has been feeling towards Toronto hasn't exactly been returned. EYE WEEKLY film reviewer Philip Brown described the movie as the "his worst project yet," while Now's Radheyan Simonpillai called it "far from triumphant" and "barely worth summarizing."

Still, those were kind words compared to the mauling Myers has received elsewhere. Here's our top ten list for Myers-centric critical spleen-venting:

10. A. O. Scott, The New York Times: "Downright antifunny. An experience that makes you wonder if you will ever laugh again."

9. Nathan Rabin, The A.V. Club: "Hypnotic in its awfulness."

8. Ella Taylor, Village Voice: "Dreary dick jokes and elephant poop."

7. Stephanie Zacharek, Salon: "Myers wastes a good 90 minutes trying to summon a transcendental boner."

6. Claudia Puig, USA Today: "Speaking of tired gags, isn't it time to retire the old kick-to-the-crotch joke? Myers seems hellbent on seeing how many penis jokes he can work into a movie."

5. Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times: "What is it with Mike Myers and penis jokes? Having created a classic, funny scene with his not-quite-visible penis sketch in the first Austin Powers movie, he now assembles, in The Love Guru, as many more penis jokes as he can think of, none of them funny."

4. Rick Groen, Globe and Mail: "The Love Guru is a comedy like the Leafs are a hockey team."

3. Dana Stevens, Slate: "There are good movies. There are bad movies. There are movies so bad they're good (though, strangely, not the reverse). And once in a while there is a movie so bad that it takes you to a place beyond good and evil and abandons you there, shivering and alone."

2. Harry Knowles, AICN: "Myers puts a shotgun in the mouth of comedy and kills it."

1. Mike Russell, The Oregonian: "Too scatological, philosophical or, um, Canadian for American audiences."

If that still hasn't convinced you, you can see the showtimes here.

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