Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
Work is of critical import to Leo this time of year, as it is most times of year, and you’ve gotten yourself up to your furry lion ears in financial and braggadocial overcommitment. The stars would suggest you delegate, but they know you aren’t that organized. Guess you’ll just have to slave harder.

Famous Canadian Leos born this week:
Oscar Peterson (late, legendary musician, Aug 15)
Natasha Henstridge (model/actor, Aug 15)
James Cameron (director, Aug 16)
Stockwell Day (politician, Aug 16)
George Stroumboulopoulos (broadcaster, Aug 16)
Don McKellar (director/actor, Aug 17)
Matthew Perry (actor, Aug 19, pictured)

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
You’ve been in the path of destruction of another’s bad-mood ride for months now. Luckily, just as this stopped being fun, you snapped out of it and sprinted ahead. You won’t need any backup on your next move, little gerbil: go ahead and keep chewing the wires off your cage. You’re free now.

Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
You’re not much of a caftan-and-henna kind of girl, Libra, but that’s about to change when a really attractive didgeridoo player invites you to Burning Man. He’s pretty annoying, but frankly, you could stand to loosen up, so your parents will welcome the trade-off.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Malleably minded as you are, your current role model has the most sway over any and all nuances of your happiness these days, Scorpio. That you rebel against this in quiet little self-destructive ways is charming in its sickness, and let’s face it: it produces some pretty high-quality blogging.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
All of the interesting offers pile in at once this week for Sag, from the workplace to the PlayStation. Actually, most of your interesting offers are challenges from other people also really good at PlayStation.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
What felt simply like strength feels like a World’s Strongest Man firetruck–lifting contest for newly emotionally toughened Capricorn. Grrr! Roar! You make all kinds of exciting noises to let people know not to fuck with you, and are quite convincing in your invulnerability until you start sobbing in the middle of the streetcar platform.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Aquarius is having a delayed reaction this week, not realizing the ship sailed without him several months ago. Realize that you were only using that person as ballast, too, and celebrate by pitching some of your other bullshit overboard the ship you’re sailing now — let’s start with the snobby attitude about microbrews and maybe five or six bags of unflattering t-shirts you’re hanging onto from when you were cool.

Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)
It would be a good time for Pisces to change strategy, if Pisces employed strategies at all, which would require far too much effort and acknowledgement of responsibility for her tastes. In that case, maybe just feel free to drift along hurting people. You can always get more, right?

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Much like miners, politicians and manicure technicians, Aries’ work is never over. You’ll feel spread thin like a tiny packet of Nutella this week as projects pile up in ways that, were they one at a time over the course of, say, two years, would feel stimulating and exciting. Instead they feel impossible to accomplish and you’ll probably need to turn to amphetamines.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
The stars didn’t peg you for the holistic-cleanse type, Taurus, but then again, what do the stars know? You’re branching out this week while trying to attend to your health (it’s poor) and wellness (wellness — is that when you floss after vomiting outside the bar?) in order to, you know, invest in a better future for everyone who’s going to have to deal with you in your old age.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
More backwards-stepping, emotionally erosive wrong decisions are forecast this week for unstable Gemini, who once again cannot get it through his head that falling in love with lesbians is really never going to work out.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
There’s no need to create a disruptive wave in your energy matrix, Cancer. The slow drawl of late sticky summer is extending you the opportunity to drag out even the most obvious, long-overdue personal decisions a few weeks longer. So she’s moving to Ecuador for two years. So you broke up in February. What about it?

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