I first heard about this city’s funniest sports blog because I simply couldn’t resist reading a BlogTO post entitled “Drunk Jays Fans.” Expecting Vice-styled commentary on fandom’s many embarrassing “Don’ts,” I was surprised to discover that the Drunk Jays Fans are actually three clever bloggers — Andrew Stoten, Justin Bergkamp and Dustin Parkes — who just happen to love talking trash about all things Blue Jays.

The Fans (or Drunks?) have been blogging about the blue birds for almost two seasons now, establishing quite the fanfare along the way. They’ve even landed a weekly podcast on The Score. So why did it take so long for me to hear about them? Well, for starters, I pretty much loathe the game of baseball. I consider it about as exciting as chess with human game pieces. There was a time when it was my favourite thing in the world. Then Appetite for Destruction came out; and frankly, Slash was far cooler than Don Mattingly. But that is neither here nor there. Drunk Jays Fans are the kind of sports bloggers even the Gunners could admire.

Beyond highlighting their own drunkenness, Stoten, Bergkamp and Parkes manage to wax irreverently with obsessive insight and savage wit, not to mention a men’s locker room full of f-bombs. Their commentary — with its hate-on for Jays general manager JP Ricciardi and anything else that distracts from the game, and the nihilistic despair that permeates every losing post — sometimes makes Drunk Jays Fans come across like belligerent armchair relief pitchers with a high-speed internet connection. Or they would, if not for the fact that they know their baseball inside and out.

Baseball is a game of statistics; Drunk Jays Fans just happen to pair their know-it-all number crunching with a flair for shredding players’ dignity. To wit:

I would like to nominate Giambi's little moustache as the most ill-advised piece of facial hair ever in the history of mankind.

 

Even on a bad day, Don Chevrier sure didn’t talk like that.

The trio got their start discussing the Jays in a work productivity-killing email chain with a bunch of other friends. “One day, Stoeten realized that we were casting our pearls before swine,” says Parkes, “and so he set up a forum for us to touch the hearts and minds of people everywhere.” Though they’ve admitted to knowing next to nothing about blogging, they quickly realized that their version of sports blogging was not your average commentary.

“I think we're much funnier than a lot of the other fan blogs in that we don't try to mimic a professional approach,” says Parkes. “As for the major media outlets and their blogs, I find that they haven't really grasped what a blog is supposed to be.” He has a particular distaste for the Sportsnet blogs, saying: “they set them up as though the readers should feel grateful that Jamie Campbell or Mike Toth has come down from the mountain to relate to them.” Drunk Jays Fans are a little less condescending when they talk down to their readers.

Funny is one thing; borderline slander is another. But between savaging the sports media and crapping all over the team and its management, they’ve managed to avoid any serious retaliation. “The thing is we usually insult sports writers,” says Parkes. “By definition these people aren’t exactly the most proactive souls on the planet.  However, Brad Penny's mom didn't like us calling her son a grease ball and Mike Toth took exception to us calling him a hack.”  

Amazingly, The Score has provided an even more immediate outlet for their belligerence. And while podcasting is a very different animal than blogging, it still fits in to Parkes’ assertion that: “People are more critical than they were in the past, and they don’t need the false pandering of professional journalism telling them that they're receiving unbiased information.”

“The Score has actually been really cool in recognizing that we've got a formula that works, even if we ourselves don't really understand it,” he adds. “Not to sound like a douche bag, but they, like totally get us, man, and I think they understand the changes in sports journalism that I mentioned earlier.”

Still, in a hockey town like Toronto where summer is considered the off-season, it’s surprising that the blog isn’t Drunk Leafs Fans. Parkes considers his particular fandom a sort of elitism, “like ordering a sherry when the rest of your table orders beer.” On the other hand, Stoten has a more socialistic motivation: “I’d prefer to blog a sport that’s actually accessible to the average person. Ninety bucks gets you a season pass to the 500 level for the Jays, and from there it’s ridiculously easy to sneak down. Plus, there's so much more going on at a baseball game that are way more interesting to write about.”

If this is the future of baseball commentary, I may be persuaded back into the fold and actually start enjoying the game — at least until the release of Chinese Democracy.

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