Virgo (aug 23-sep 22)
Virgo is ready to take care of Virgo this coming fall and into the new year. It’s not that you’re worried about getting older, per se — it’s just that you realize how perilously close everything is to falling apart at all times, and if you can stave off the march of fate by watering down that fifth gin and tonic just a little more, why not, right? You’re worth it.

Famous Canadian Virgos Born This Week:
Frank Shuster (comedian, Sept. 5)
Michaëlle Jean (Governor General, Sept. 6)
Owen Pallett (musician Final Fantasy, Sept. 7)
Michael Bublé (musician, pictured, Sept. 9)
John Kricfalusi (creator of Ren and Stimpy, Sept. 9)

Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Libra, it doesn’t matter if they’re with you or against you, because ultimately you’re going to come out ahead by driving everyone crazy with your pathologically patient insistence on triple-checking, double-speaking and not picking your feet up when you walk. Jesus, I mean, is it that hard?

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Well, now that the shotgun wedding is over, Scorpio can rest easy in the knowledge that his unflappability will prevail against not only the entire community, but his own happiness. Nicely executed!

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Though you’re still coming off the disappointing failure of not being able to create a Canadian version of Burning Man, just think about how warm all those bags of pink feathers are going to be in just a few short months, Sagittarius.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Your carefully considered approach to eliminating everything and everyone that makes you accountable to yourself is very systematic, Capricorn, but it won’t stop the karmic revenge of aphids crawling all over you until you completely lose your grip on reality.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
This week, an early chill runs up the bones of Aquarius, who suffers a creative drought second only to the time she was accused of “phoning in” an entire week’s worth of sexy webcam antics. (We’ve seen the feather duster before, thanks.)

Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)
Sweater weather appeals to Pisces, who is typically hiding under layers of emotional lint anyway. You’ll find yourself in good company this week, bolstering your strength with the counsel of compulsives and sociopaths who validate your choice to begin studying dead languages in order to make yourself even harder to communicate with.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
You won’t be the first to be accused of denial this week, Aries, but as far as lying to yourself goes, pretending that horrible rash didn’t come from the CNE carny you “befriended” pretty much takes the cake.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Taurus has a head for decision-making, meaning she will decide that everyone else is against her and then drive them out of her life so as not to listen to the real effects of what she’s done. Hey! Any momentum is good momentum, right?

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Gemini likes to be on top of the mercurial changes in his world, but you can’t stay happily lodged and complacent in a dead-end job forever, and that’s why they’re going to fire you this week. For your own, um, good.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Sentimental Cancer can’t face the beginning of September without a flood of that back-to-school feeling. Of course, that may be because it’s taken you nearly 11 years to graduate at this point.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
You can’t actually buy and sell friends, Leo, though I know you’ve tried. In fact, you’re trying right now, and unless you’re really crass about it, you might be able to rent that one girl for the cost of only a six of Export.

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