I dug original-recipe 90210 in all its cheeseball glory. As I watched over its decade-long run, my enjoyment ranged from sincere (I still have long sideburns) to ironic (Bev Hills drinking parties before the bars). But I never kicked the habit until the Peach Pit closed down.
This makes me half the target demo for 90210.2.

However, after seeing the fantastic Hamptons-set second season opener of Gossip Girl, it seems that both 90210’s original audience and the new one it courts would be better off watching its spiritual successor rather than its actual one. Not to dismiss it too easily. Hiring Degrassi: TNG’s Shenae Grimes as Brenda stand-in Annie Wilson was smart — she’s a pretty, naturalistic actress and her ex-show has transcended its own nostalgia factor. Pulling Tristan Wilds off The Wire to play Annie’s adopted African-American brother Dixon was equally clever, but his wasted talents are emblematic of the sequel’s so-far squandered potential.

See, the old pieces are all there. There’s the fish-out-of-water premise (the Wilsons hail from Kansas, not Minnesota). There’s also the old guard for continuity: Kelly Taylor (Jennie Garth) is still around, now West Beverly High’s guidance councillor; Brenda (Shannen Doherty) shows up as a visiting drama instructor; Nat still runs the Peach Pit. Then there are some interesting new-schoolers, including David and Kelly’s rebellious half-sister “Silver” (Reaper’s devil-daughter Jessica Stroup).

As is now standard, adults also factor into this teen soap. There’s the dad-cum-principal (Silk Stalkings’ Rob Estes), the hot mom (Lori Loughlin, ex of Full House) and a hipster teacher (Ryan Eggold) who hangs at the same “cool” club his students sneak into. Jessica Walter plays essentially the same sloshed matriarch she perfected on Arrested Development. And the soundtrack is hot, too.

But unlike when the original launched, 90210 doesn’t have the schoolyard to itself anymore. It must compete with its own offspring, both fictional (Gossip Girl) and “real” (The Hills). The hype brought the CW network its best-ever ratings (about 4.9 million in the US and 1.3 mil in Canada on Global) but the show wasn’t strong enough to meet expectations.

Admittedly, the old show was way lame until it skyrocketed to phenom status with those classic second-season summer episodes and Gossip Girl similarly spent half its first season working its way to awesomeness. (On the other hand, The OC’s pilot was replete with iconic scenes and Seth Cohen, only to lose the plot by sophomore year.)

Bev Hills II’s opener had but one water-cooler moment — when Dylanesque brooder Ethan (Yellowknife’s Dustin Milligan) gets a parking-lot blow-job before class — and even that was too self-consciously edgy to count.

Mostly, though, the writing just isn’t there. Veronica Mars creator Rob Thomas was supposed to have scripted the pilot — which, one imagines, would’ve ruled. But current showrunners Jeff Judah and Gabe Sach cut their teeth on Freaks and Geeks so there’s no excuse.

Maybe the problem is we’ve simply spent too much time with California’s nouveau riche and prefer the old-world decadence and over-the-top fashion sense of Gossip Girl’s Manhattanites. Besides, compared to the revenge schemes those kids get into, Dixon’s plan to release greased-up pigs into his rival school’s locker room was lame even by Kansas standards. Same goes for making a bowling night the main plotline of the second episode.

But Kansans would also balk at the barely written stereotypes walking the high-school halls in the Juno-inspired Secret Life of the American Teenager, a Christian-themed series by 7th Heaven creator Brenda Hampton about a 15-year-old who got knocked up one time at band camp. So the new 90210 is not at the bottom of the class — but it’ll need to start studying if it wants to become a valedictorian like its older sibling.

 

90210 AIRS TUESDAYS, 8PM ON CW/GLOBAL; GOSSIP GIRL AIRS SUNDAYS 8PM ON A, MONDAYS 8PM ON CW; SECRET LIFE AIRS WEDNESDAYS, 8PM ON CITYTV.

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