Libra
(Sept 23-Oct 22)
To the dismay of your significant other, you spend what feels to everyone like thousands of hours hemming and hawing about what you really want for your birthday. At least the “I’m checking Consumer Reports one more time” excuse is more palatable to them than the possibly more honest “the size of the anal plug I really want will probably break up our relationship.”

Famous Canadian Libras born this week:
Glenn Gould (pianist, Sept. 25)
Peter MacKay (minister of defence, Sept. 27)
Avril Lavigne (musician, Sept. 27)
Stéphane Dion (Liberal leader, Sept. 28, pictured)

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Scorpio gets a leg up this week as the competition sits mired in melancholy and self-doubt. You shine in these moments: channelling the weaknesses of others into detached mastery of your own shortcomings, often convertible into cash money. Or at least Canadian Tire money.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Though carpe-ing the diem is more your speed, for Sagittarius, the onset of fall is all about stalling for time. Wanderlust be damned — if you can sit still and grit your teeth through this one you might actually get the freedom you’ve only imagined in TV fan fiction.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Mercury in retrograde scrambles, how shall we say, your brain? Though you’re good at taking it easy — so good that you may occasionally fall asleep at the wheel — take it extra-easy on yourself, as things you think are reality may actually be old episodes of House.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Keep it in your pants, Aquarius. Your money, that is, lest it meet your mind, two things that tend not to work together well under difficult circumstances, such as this week’s emotional frost-freeze advisory combined with planetary butt-fuckery. Actually, don’t even keep it in your pants. Just stay inside and bolt the door.

Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)
Pisces has seen a lot of truth lately, and not necessarily the kind he wanted to know about in the first place. Try to build that scar tissue quickly because, frankly, you’re going to need it to gear up for five Canadian Thanksgiving celebrations in a row (you did see The Celebration, right?).

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Aries turns inward this week and questions whether talk shows, frozen pizza and instant messaging with people who are interesting only because they always respond is really contributing to that meaningful lifestyle you promised your first girlfriend back in Waterloo you’d one day lead.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You don’t want to make this current uphill battle easier for others — and frankly most of them don’t really deserve it — but you’ll find it much easier to be productive in the long run if you can edge everyone else out and complete your own work without having to listen to that constant whining and singing along to Lil Wayne.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You’re in a place where your usual cocksureness is a boon to your idolizers and vassals, Gemini, when this week the last word is handed to you repeatedly. This leaves you unable to converse with or relate to anyone at all, but at least you get to sleep at night knowing you’re pretty much right all the fucking time. Comforting, no?

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You’ve tried on a lot of fantasies this year, Cancer: a new apartment. Having a baby. That alpaca farming career. As you watch 2008 slip rapidly away from you, at least you can sit back and relax knowing you’ve done nothing drastic after all; in fact, if anything you’ve actually regressed.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
While “wearing them down” might be too extreme a way of looking at it, you’re certainly closer to getting what you want out of those in power this week, simply by having hung around and gotten everyone used to your foibles. The tendency to quote from Entourage every four minutes, however, is not one they’re going to tolerate much longer.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Virgos don’t like to be jolted, but it’s impossible to ignore how well this works sometimes, whether it’s seeing your ex with someone far more attractive, or simply sticking a fork in an electrical socket. Whichever your poison, enjoy the new-found sense of motivation (truly new-found) while you continue to tick off the days on your future therapist’s waiting list. 

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